Bad idea to go into a store and feel depressed. Your wallet takes a hit.

One week till finals. One week till graduation. One week left of organized routine and Im left grasping at nothing again. Calls went unanswered, and its depressing to feel like Im not what people want worker wise. I dont do transitions well. Especially when I am mentally unprepared. Its all in the preparization. Once Im in the zone I am like a rock. Calm and cool. Just waiting to do my thing. Right now i dont know what my thing is and its driving me mad.

I dont like going to bed with a friend talking suicide. Unable to stay awake, and not knowing what to say made me feel guilty. Not knowing what they did when I hung up makes me feel moreso.

Mixed gas is mostly completed, all except the chamber dives to 186 feet. Probably tomorrow, and friday after our rules of the road (seamanship) test. Then its cramming. The non-porno type when you shove as many details into your mushy brain as can be absorbed, then you cram in some more. Brain-horn optional.

No ground has been secured on the battlefield. No cover located and the shells are about to fall. Bare, naked in the way of the future I am wholly unprepared for this shit. It may sound reptitive but its the truth and its staring me in the face.

31 years havent prepared me for all this drama.

I am such a wuss when it comes down to drama. I turn away during a scene in a movie which makes me uncomfortable. I get more embarrassed than other people do for the same things which wont even happen to me. Staying away from the spotlight has kept my pale skin unscathed. No thank you social scene, dont need any drama here.

This may sound unmanly for me to say but face to face I am still like a rock. Like I have no feelings when I look at you. Most people have no idea whats going on in my head when I look at them. That is unless they realize when I turn away when Im talking to them.... I find them attractive. Unable to maintain eye contact for too long I insticntively turn My eyes away like Im deep in thought. Wuss. Yeah. But only for a moment. So many oppertunities passed by. Laugh at my jokes and Im almost guilted into telling another joke. All it does it leaves me even more unprotected from your eyes and what you say to me. It is far worse when I have feelings for this person. Then I am utterly defenseless even though they dont know it.

Such is my life.

There is something to be said about attaining ones dreams. Miss hadassah, you shouldnt feel defeated for wanting something so badly. Just look back at where you were, where you have been and what you have done to make gains in things you felt were important. Days, weeks, months or years.... no matter how long it takes only time seperates you from what you want. That is, if you truly want it.

I waited nine years to buy something I really wanted. Ive waited three years (so far) to meet someone I love very much. No telling how long I will have to wait as it isnt in stone that I ever will. Just the chance it might happen is enough to keep me optimistic, and to hold on another day. Such patience is rewarded. Only waiting patiently, and earning what we want makes us appreciate so muchg more than just having it handed to us. I can only imagine how you will feel, justified deep inside and able to walk amoung your peers with your head high when maybe they didnt support you and now they are the ones left guessing. Here's to waiting my dear....