Some questions spoken outloud for private reflection.

Why do I ask redundant questions?

Why do I self sacrifice everything citing guilt, or feelings of worthlessness as excuses?

A surprize grade of 100% on the pipeline project shocked us. Especially considering we pulled it out of our asses to pass.

I need to stop being afraid. Fear kills any hopes I have of getting what i want, and know I deserve. I know it should never be a question of deserving anything. Having suffered as I have, either by self guided means or from others there has to come a time where I can set those feelings of inadequacy behind me and focus on making things work in my favor. I can talk all I want to about "making a diffrence in others" but when it comes time for me to be even a little bit selfish, I falter and reverse back to a depressive state of denial. It has to end...

Keeping a distance from that fresh start, the completion and feeling of wholeness gained from sharing my life with another has been the anchor weighing me down all of my life. Counting those brief moments of release as anything more substantial than tastes would be fooling myself into thinking they were enough to carry me over forever. Part of my thinkijng now is that having only tasted and never feasted on such things is one of the many reasons I am such a recluse.

I try not to insult myself. Even if its just to lighten the mood when I see new people. Knowing damn well them laughing at what I said wasnt meant as an insult its always that I bring these things on myself. Just old habits. Reinforcing poor behaviors into what poisons my personality in what others might think.

There is value in this skin of mine. Finding it difficult to step out and see the bigger picture is harder to do than write about. Sound advice only makes sense when its applied properly, and using a little faith it will carry itself through. I dont seem to do too well in either catagory.

A walking, talking social experiment am I.

Seeing what works, what doesnt. How people react to my diffrent behaviors. Usually reserving the more cynical, depressive rants for people i already feel comfortable with. Does that make me a liar? Having to hide true feelings from people? Does that make someone out to be diffrent, or changed when behaviors are let through the filters of morality, and nervous anxiety?

Its taken most of my life form to feel comfortable enough, or more accurately "less apoligetic" in a less shameful way towards expressing those deep rooted feelingas and ideas I formulated so many years ago. Not like they are mainstream. I still shock people when I open my pie-hole, but it doesnt get as many raised eyebrows. Finding someone who can tolerate that type of behavior will prove to be difficult.

So I try to change. To fit in where before I had no desire to do so for fear of rejection.

Having tasted the sweetness, either I learn to adapt, or I fear I will never taste it again.

Alot of contradictory thoughts there. Many more where words just dont seem to convey them well enough to be written out. So they will sit in my head a while longer till they make more sense.