150 pages of notes and handouts for test Friday morning.

Getting the only 100% in the class on the test rocks.

Some of the comments I recieved recently made alot of sense. Much of it was in fact common sense but usually I lack the vocabulary to properly express myself on how I feel at the moment. But I take any comments in stride and appreciate input.

Much of my feelings come from a deep rooted depression Ive had for a long time. Not being treated for this is probably my fault because I feel I can work out my problems when I dont fully understand or appreciate the diffrent facets of emotions which confuse me into silence. There are always periods of renewed vigor and enthusiasm. Generally its shortly after falling into the abyss of self pity and I instantly feel foolish afterward for not thinking things through more clearly. Again my own damn fault.

Nimrod who was once called "mason" has gotten himself sent home this week for smacking an instructor on the head with his hardhat. And no we have no clue as to why he did something so stupid anyway. But that is his MO since the beginning. His absences tallyed it doesnt look like he will graduate after all.

I have done alot of soul searching the past week. Even during the baptism I was trying to evaulate where I was in my life. How I feel about everything. Some was good, and some was not so good.

Aiden, and yours truly outside the church. My new tie was pimpin' ....shaddap.

And during the ceremony, I even attempted to smile. Normally I wouldnt but I knew my damn family wanted pictures and I already spent money on a new outfit so I went through with it to save face, and appease the genetic pool I was drowning in.

Next week is salvage. We have to raise the "muff" and its a class grade. I dont like relying on anyone else to screw my scores up and I already told people that if they screw this up My foot was going up their posterior.

My feelings of lonliness this past week were hard to deal with. Its sort of a "in the moment" phenomenon which doesnt always occur but when it does there is always residual regret and lack of direction which makes things always seem more hopeless than they rteally are. This of course I am working on. There is effort in trying to be "more attractive" to others if not for them but for myself and my self esteem. My need to be proud of my accomplishments and myself in general. As always a work in progress.