I am sad.

My weighted average for school so far is a 97. Taking into account 5 weighted scores from about 10 overall scores. Not too shabby. Next week is the swim qualification. This is a problem. I am not the best swimmer in the world, even when I was in better shape. 200 meter swim without stopping. (no back stroke allowed) 25 meter swim with a weight belt. 25 meter swim underwater on one breath of air. 10 minute water treading. The water test is part of My grades. The following day is the scuba portion of it. A "ditch and don" portion in 12 feet of water where you take off all your gear underwater, surface and redress in everything. All in all its causing me, and alot of other students who didnt go to BUDS school for the Navy SEALS some grief.

My body is rebelling.

I remember some months ago there was a heart attack scare. Thorough testing concluded nothing solid. I blamed the suppliments I was taking for my trouble, and there has been no repeat of the symptoms until yesterday. Standing next to the instructor in a first aid test I felt my chest tighten, and My head spin for just a few seconds. Reality of what happened came crashing back to me. Any heart condition is a automatic disqualification for diving. Do the math...

Im fucking scared on many levels. Will I have a massive heart attack during class? During a dive? I am only 31 years old...

I believe now, after alot of thought that a few years ago My use of substances which had ephedra in them did damage to my heart. My weight, caffiene, and maybe meds aggrevate my condition. But it is not a difenitive diagnosis either. I am afraid of what a doctor might tell me.

So.... do I come clean and tell them I had a "episode" or do I try my best to live healthy and complete the school and look at my options from there? I have loans to repay. And My reputation to consider, especially since many people signed off for me to come to school. I dont want to let them down. (yes I know my health is important.)

And most disturbing, is Im alone.

As much as I would love to be in a relationship with someone, that hasnt happened. And to someone I do have feelings for, what do I tell her? You cant love me because my heart doesnt work? I will drop dead on you, you're better off with someone else?

It really fucking hurts saying that, and I tried to hide my tears today as those ideas rolled through my head but I have to face facts. This problem isnt going to go away. It will get more pronounced in time, if it isnt fatal already. My heart will give up on me long before any cancer ever ravages me. As physically strong a person can be, if the heart isnt in it they are just as weak as any other crippled person. So do I say goodbye to ever having the possibility of children? A family? Im not someone in a wheelchair. Being handicapped isnt a fatal disease. A weak heart is a timebomb. It makes me unreliable. And a shadow of what my mother has gone through. It would kill her to hear My heart was failing.

So, the end result is....

My heart is broken.