This is mom last night.

She has been on three diffrent ICU's in the last 3 days. I sort of feel like she is being treated as a ping pong ball. Me and My dad vented our frustrations and our questions last night to a nurse practictioner. She was in My opinion one tough bitch. She yelled at everyone with equality, including doctors when she saw somethign she didnt like. She explained more than the doctors ever did. There are good people, just have to find them. My advice? Follow the yelling...

You can see the black and blue on her wrists where they poke her for blood gas. The mask she wears is to force oxygenated air into her lungs. It is also supposed to help reexpand her lungs. She is having alot of difficulty breathing. She is very tired, washed out. She cant keep her head up, and she isnt eating. They might stick a tube in her nose and into her stomach today so she can get more nourishment.

There is also talk of opening her up again. From the top of the sternum to the base of the ribs. She has been through so much, and the whole family is scared. We try to hide our fears from her, because she feels guilty enough. With that mask on you can barely make out what she says.

"Im sorry" she says alot. It breaks my heart. She isnt to blame, and it hurts to think she is a burden to us.

I havent been writing here as much as I would like. My mind for obvious reasons is elsewhere. Once I am done with work, Im at the hospital only to find she has been moved again. This whole experience has me feeling less confident. I always held this particular hospital in high regard. But they seem to be dropping the ball in My moms case. Its frustrating, but I also beleive its My patience waining. Im just tired of sitting and watching my mom fall apart. The helplessness all families feel when someone they love is in that position.

My guilt stems from people wishing me well, hoping I am alright, when its mom who is in the hospital. It makes saying thank you a bitter pill to swallow.

I know I am in a semi depressed state. I know what rock bottom feels like, absolutely hopeless. This isnt that. So I cant say Im totally depressed. But it is still taxing.