My tax return should be hitting my bank account sometime tomorrow. This is course is a good thing, something to look forward to and my family needs the money. As do I. Mom was moved back to the 16th floor for recovery, but this time they are leaving the drainae tubes in her. It is believed that during her surgery last week they were takenh out prematurely, and due to the fact she is still bleeding internally as her body trys to heal her blood had no where to go and was clotting around her heart and such. So they are taking no chances and will wait and see how she does day to day which is fine by me. I finally met the mysterious "Bill" the past few days and it wasnt as dramatic as I thought it might be. He seemed nice, seemed passive and My sister has him sort of wrapped around her finger. Easily malliable he is. Either by my sisters charm, or My boot in his ass, as I no longer see him as a threat to her safety.

My mom had some really cute nurses.

I was promised a sordid tale of suspicious doings of pimp daddy moses, jesus and the golgotha bitches and of course the virgin. Dont make me wait too long....

Which brings me to another blasphemous entry. One I am sure will piss someone off because I am not content to let some things just be. Faith and free will....

I was raised in a pretty strict Catholic family. Now My mom is a lutheran, as is most of her family, but My dads side is all catholic. Except for one younger brother he has, who became a jehovah's witness and stayed such even after the woman who lured him into the darkness cheated on him and left him with a daughter to care for.

I am the type who will ask religious types some hypothetical questions regarding faith, and the word of "God" according to their respective authoritive books on the subject. Having gone through communion, and not too long ago confirmation while in the military I have more questions now than I ever did before. This was before I actually began questioning what My faith was or where it came from.

Most of us who are introduced to religion are done so by family. Usually our parents. Your faith is their faith. It is very traditional, and you just do as they do. You really dont know any better. The sky is blue, dirt is dirt and Jesus saved you, Allah is the all powerful, and Pork is the devil.

Having no other basis for comparison what we consider the truth is just what people we loved told us it was. There was no sales pitch. It just was, is and always shall be as long as mommie and daddie can see you sitting up nice and not falling asleep during the sermon.

All this recollection was actually spurned by recalling a movie I watched called "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carry where "God" saw how unhappy Bruce was with his life as he saw it and Bruce thinking he could do better took the challenge of doing the Lords work. As stupid as the movie was I remembered one particular facet of the storyline which stuck in My brain. Despite all the powers of the almighty given to him he had but one rule he couldnt break.

"you cannot interfere with free will"

No matter how he tried Bruce couldnt make someone love him more by just wishing it. This confused me.

It had been taught to me, that the bible is the direct and inrefutable word of "God". Not taking into account any other religion as I dont have as much hands on knowledge of those but I will get to them in a minute. So if what is written in this book is Black and white, no grey no wonder many people take alot of it literally. If you have angered "God" in any way you will be punished. That part of it also confuses me. Christians beleive there is one god. So that being said.....anything which happens worldwide, was the will of god. Is this correct?

Most people I ask this to say yes, this is so. Oh goody...

So lets take the Jews for example. I guess they just had the Holocaust coming to them then? Hitler was their punishment for "being naughty" against god? This usually shuts people up. And pisses them off and the excuses come out. But YOU said god punishes those who do wrong? Why do babies get cancer? Let me guess......they had it coming. All the thousands who died a year ago in the tsunami who were a mix of all walks of life, who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time....they too were to feel the wrath of the all compassionate, forgiving lord? Wait....Im not done yet.....

What about those muslims in Bosnia who were exterminated because they were muslims. Yes, I know.....god hated them too because they werent christian.

I admit alot of those statements are long shots, but given the literal meanings people give to the word of any god, can you make me believe there isnt a sort of curruption to the good intentions religion had for me growing up. I had faith.....had. Past tense.

When morals, or someone elses thinking is forced upon you that is in no way free will. How can I have faith in any religion which preachs peace, yet slaughters each other when the situation fits what they want. How twisted this world is when people use religion to spread their own agenda, and wreak horrors on the world. The atheists and such are the worlds least worrysome problems. Its the faithful masses causing all this death. And for what?

Idealology is a dangerous thing. When thoughts collide. You can almost hear the thunder, and see the mushroom clouds of faith on the horizon. There is no free will anymore. Laws and society of the views of others govern us at every turn. Now I do believe in a structured world, but some people take themselves too seriously, and expect others to get in line for them.

Those without faith face a cold reality. There is no heaven for me. No paradise. The hardships of life here on Earth is as close as I will ever be to heaven because life is its own reward. There will be no comfort in the knowledge I will spend eternity with the souls of the billions of chickens we killed last year to keep me company. There is only a grave, and those I have left behind. So I fear death. More than I fear living life in agony.