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6:02 p.m. - 2006-01-25

You cant expect to fight the entire world and win.

My father slipped this morning. Im sure he never intended to as he just woke up as I did but he said enough in those short minutes as the water boiled. He mentioned my youngest sisters friend, Bill as her "boyfriend" and how they were with them last night watching a movie. I still havent met this fucker, and I fear it wont be until I hear there is a wedding. By then they should know to not even invite me as I wont be in the mood to tolerate a stranger in My midst.

Such is the state of affiars in My head that I am slowly going mad with depression, and anger. Frustration in the inability to get away with anything.

My cousin informed me he hasnt looked into a loan yet, and to not get My hopes up. Not unexpected, and I have lost much of the optimism I had earlier in the past few months. I am all but forgotten by other people, My friend chuck hasnt said a peep, or krystal, who I worry for has forgotten me due to her special personality trait. Unlike her other friends, I am forgotten when she is in a relationship with a man. Unless a boy went to school with her, or has not had a relationship....(unless I am a special case) she lets them be until she is alone again. It feels like I have lost her friendship, and I have to sit and watch her get wound up by some asshole I dont trust at all.

In the shower this morning as always I got Myself worked up to the point of tears. Part of me feels.....knows I will eventually alienate My sister, and My family. It will be My fault. I am unable to conform to what everyone else expects, and undertstands. She will see My protective stance as me being a bully. That I am being selfish. No one sees that I get Myself upset over things like that. The alpha male being told to just let this new guy walk into the family without a challenge. To take what everyone else says at face value. Or that I am just trying to scare him....

Wether I scare him or not isnt the point. I dont care. I really dont at this point. He could stare me down and I wouldnt care. But in this life there are inevitabilities. Life, death, taxes. In this case how he dies will be in his hands. I cant sit by and watch my blood get hurt, and do nothing. There isnt a law in this world that can protect someone from me. Not if My mind is set, and I am prepared to serve the time, or to die in the process. Its this stubborness no one understands. And this thick head I have has scared people away before. Even though they loved me. I care too deeply, love too deeply for my own good and it makes me unpredictable.

So hide him from me if you wish. All things come to those who wait. It isnt in his best interest to "hide".

The water washed away the tears. But not the pain I feel.

There is only so much I can take on My own. Understanding everything is too difficult for me. Not asking for help is not good either. But I am unable, or unwilling to conform to what anyone else wants. Military discipline doesnt govern My life. I dont have to take orders anymore. I have reached that point in My life where I am rigid. So unbending, unflexable I risk getting broken by My own thinking. I know this cant be a good thing.

Why cant I fucking get along with anyone?

Someone.....needs to help this man. To be there when he cant understand what it is he is seeing, or feeling. Help me please.

Worst yet, when someone does come forward....will I even let them help me.....

Or will I destroy that as well.

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