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Jane Doe183 - 05/01/2012

March 14th - 04/20/2012

coming back....soon - 2012-02-02

Sickly - 2011-09-28

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10:19 p.m. - 2006-01-20

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The knife arrived. Finally. And thats all the good news for today.

Part of My day was spent waiting for UPS to show up. I never heard the truck, but even waiting by the door was fruitless. As the sun was setting I looked down behind some silly object left on the porch and I saw a small white box that wasnt there this morning. Yes, I felt stupid. But excited too. It was beefier than I expected. Now I know how people feel when they see me for the first time.

Oh how the bitterness wells up inside. Feeling guilty for something I didnt know I did. Or if I even deserved this kind of treatment.

My computer......

I made the attempt to convert My new cd to mp3 so I could load a few songs on My phone. 4 Songs....took 360 minutes to complete. No Im not kidding. And when conversion was successful it took several attempts to get those songs into the minicard.

My boss/supervisor/whiney assistant terminal manager begged me to come in tomorrow. Well, when he asks his first try is in the form of a statement.

"Come in tomorrow."

The second attempt if he meets with opposition is in the form of begging.

"cmon, dont fuck me"

His last attempt almost always includes some sort of deal.

"Cmon, I will give you a extra man, and you can just sit on the truck. Stay on the truck and just show them where to go"

I could do that, and make money instead of collecting sick pay. Im only allowed 10 days of sick time a year. Eight hours for each day. So I have used about three so far. I could easily exceed 10 to 12 hours tomorrow, and that includes overtime. So it isnt actually a bad idea. Even if I am still not 100%. But the oppertunity to sit on the truck, bundled up beats sitting at home, with nothing on tv but kiddie programs.

Im tired of sitting around, feeling sick. I am also tired of being punished like this. If I am guilty at least tell me what I have done.

Real Thing: KMFDM

Cracking under pressure violently
Chaos eats away the best of me
A former shadow of myself
Porcelain doll, just an empty shell
Bug in amber that can't be reached
Choking on fear that stings like bleach

Gimme the real thing
Gimme the life
Give me something deep
Something straight
Like a sharpened knife
Gimme the real thing
Give me the life
Gimme a fresh start,
Like a new born child
Gimme the real thing

I have no friends
I'm always by myself
I cannot pacify my shame and doubt
Drained them dry
And damned them all to hell
I've no control or any will to stop
Everything perfect just melts away
I've got the touch like evil prey
Talking pictures in black and white
Spitting their venom back at mine
Everything old is new again
My only crime buried under cold skin
In the quiet of my tiger's eye
Cross my heart and hope to die

Gimme something real too. Like hope.

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