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Jane Doe183 - 05/01/2012

March 14th - 04/20/2012

coming back....soon - 2012-02-02

Sickly - 2011-09-28

big changes - 2011-04-14

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5:57 p.m. - 2006-01-18

*groans* Oh the agony of sickness.....how it taxes thee....

Its cold, and damp and it rained like the world was coming to an end today. If its an omen I havent started building an ark. The cheap way would be to lash every piece of crap I own together into a raft and hide the snack food.

I havent eaten much, but Ive also been alying down alot.

The dog vomited in the hall near the bathroom, and I stepped over it to go pee. Such is the glamourish life of the Ghost. Who by all accounts is as white, and sheety as his name. Not a damn thing on TV and Im bored to tears. But I am glad I stayed home again. Tomorrow might be the last day I stay home. But if i feel like crap Im going no where, as Im not going to get a relapse and be worse off than I am now.

Yesterday My brother wanted to speak to me. I could tell by his voice, and the pauses between sentences that it was about money. Normally when we feel a sense of shame about something this is how we act. Extra cautious, and not to reveal what it is we ask, but to do so in a solomn way. He is trying to pay off a debt, and due to his recent illnesses will be unable to come up with one of the payments to get himself out of debt with one particular collector. He is My brother. My only brother. I scraped what I could and gave it to him. I dont want My flesh and blood to feel shame asking my help. If anything I should feel honored that he knows he can come to me for help. Isnt that what family is supposed to do?

Someone is avoiding me.

Wether its intentional or not, doesnt make it any less obvious. In only a matter of weeks this has happened as certain circumstances have led them down a diffrent road. A road they had told me was coming to an end, but suddenly has reagined its direction. A road.....I dont agree with entirely. Maybe this is why I am being sidestepped. I hate being vague. It digs at me, as much as the absence of communication does. The whole "ignorance" aspect of it drives me nuts. But there is little I can do about it, without trying to talk and the discussion not sound awkward. When someone you thought trusted you, keeps their distance, how would you feel?

Confidence is what people say I lack.

What I lack.....is acceptance of who I am. More specifically what I look like to those around me. That very fact is what guides My words, and how I behave around people. SO what do I do about it....

The only time I felt confident physically was when I was in the gym, comparing Myself to other lifters and seeing I was at the top of My class. That competitive edge is what gave me the confidence to do the things I did and step out from the crowd and be seen as an indevidual. It is this thinking, the embracing of My own self identity which has led me here to this day. I dont hide anymore. Even when I am labeled a introvert, I am on a positive move to open up more. Speaking my mind is just one of many aspects of this change. Coupled with the fact no one will openly challenge me out of fear can be comforting, and deceptive. I wont really know how they think, if they wont say anything openly about me to my face. Its the behind the back talk which worries me. People can say one thing, but say another when you are not there. Kids however dont always suffer from this, which is why it is known kids are cruel. Adults simply lie better.

So....Im going to restart My workouts.

It has been over a year since I hurt My wrist. Was it torn ligiments, or just carpel tunnel? Maybe both. I never went to get it looked at when it was really hurting. My grip strength has returned, and most of My range of motion. I still baby it at times because I dont want to make it hurt. Even the slightest slip can send Me reeling in agony. So I must be careful. But if professionals can do it, so can I.

FInding the motivation is easy. How many times have you watched a movie and left the theatre feeling overwhelmed with emotion to do what you saw on the screen? It is sort of loike that, looking at the equipment I have downstairs.....but the body doesnt share the minds optimism. My body has changed over the years. Testosterone levels have sharply dropped. Im not 18, or 20 no more so I have to take suppliments to rekindle that chemical fire which sets every teen boy into a frenzy of activity on prom night. Proper nutrition, which has been the mainstay of My life the past few years will be the easy part. But the right mix of chemicals, and workouts is not My strong point anymore. The suppliment world has changed drastically. The last time I went hardcore with anabolics was six or seven years ago. Nortesten, Anotesten, ActII etc...

The trip to GNC was an eye opener. Which ones are better? If I am going to do this.....on the professional level in terms of training, I will need to really think this out carefully. I am always leary of playing chemist with My body. How do I know My head wont explode, or My heart just stop taking anything its not used to having? But sometimes I realize some risk is always present when doing anything other than sitting on the couch with the remote. I know I need this. For better or for worse that is...

The dicsipline is there. I kinda have the drive. *shakes head* Damn, you know its really frustrating looking at things from the beginning. We always visualize the end product in our minds, and the benifits of having what we want, but seeing it so early, so virginal is sort of depressing. Its only when progress is made we have the encouragement to go from there. Like going on a date, and he or she actually calls you back for another. Isnt that like the best feeling in the world right at that moment? Looking in the mirror at what I am now, and knowing what My body is capable of looking like is motivation. I was a monster in highschool. The Marines are the ones who made me lose all the muscle I worked years to get. According to them I was too heavy, despite being muscular. To this day I blame them for part of My problems with that.

My prior gym existance is the reason I am so large today. Muscles have memory. They will remmeber what it is like to grow, and to fill with blood. To hear the ripping of threads as your chest peaks lifting that barbell to its highest point. There is a reason gyms have mirrors on all the walls. It is motivation for the ones not afraid to hurt, and sweat.

Everything worthwhile has a beginning. Its seeing to its end which is our responsibility. Because when its all over we only have ourselves to blame for not trying.My last entry has My MySpace link in it....

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