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10:23 p.m. - 2006-01-07

Well then...

Mom's surgery is scheduled for Febuary 2nd. Not going to school has allowed me to be there for her. Im not really mad about it either. In a way Im grateful, because I know how scared she is, and Im sure she feels better knowing I will be there too.

My instincts earlier about a particular scenario seem to be correct. The influence of a dirtbag has changed someone. It hurts me to be seperated like this, and to watch you forget me in spite of his attentions. But to speak against him to hurt you is something I cannot do. You mean too much, and maybe that just means you will forget me, even after he has hurt you beyond repair. He is the type of person I always hated, and you hated. The only diffrence now is he wants what you have. Mainly between your legs. I dont see any good coming from this. I am conflicted with the emotions to let it be, or to remove their liver with undue haste. The new dive knife would be handy in this regard.

berkinix.

You know......I didnt really expect anyone to want to help me. I really didnt. Rare is it when a stranger extends themselves beyond borders and barriers to genuinely help another person. You....my friend are special. The shock on My face would have made a great picture. My jaw was on the floor, next to my feet. Note to self, wash in between toes with bleach.

This is a premature decision, but I think with My tax return (the first one I will have actually recieved in 4 years) I will purchase a Bowflex. It was My intention to wait until I was in school to do so, but I want to get a head start, and hopefully rebuild the strength and dexterity in My right wrist. The past years injury trouble has really hurt me physically, and I hate feelign weaker. In thought I think it might be a case of carpel tunnel. There is no loss in grip strength, but when My wrist is bent under strain I can feel the nerves screaming. Not cool. I wear a wrsit brace all day, everyday now. Just not when sleeping. Somedays hurt worse than others. And the overdosing on Aleve has me worried. I can empty a 200 caplet bottle in just over a month. Its not supposed to be taken for more than a few days, one caplet a day. I take 4 to 6 at a time.

Maybe...

....it would be interesting to get a diving job in Europe if I pass this school. At least for a year. Maybe Amsterdam, or Norway. Learn a new language, meet interesting people who dont know me. Scare a diffrent culture into group therapy. Indulge. The only ties I have is family, and bills. But such a short time away might give me new perspective, but with the chance of alienating those people i do care for, but will forget me in the process of me going My own way. That is the price of freedom. Loneliness. Abandonment. I fucking hate that.

Perhaps it is lingering doubt. Perhaps it is melodramtic fears. But I hate losing anything. There are times I really hate the games I play on Myself. Selfsacrificing. Overtlynegative behavior small children use to get thier way, yet I do this in private. For what purpose? To convince Myself that the negative feelings I have are genuinely real, or even justified? No wonder I am depressed half the time, I have such a poor outlook on Myself. Despite all the positive things I give, or bring to the table I am still hung up on the negatives. I try to be more optimistic, but sometimes I fall short. But I do try.

Better fitness. Better outlook. Positive thinking. I will get the gym, I will strengthen Myself. I will get the money I need for school so I can succeed. And I will have his organs for wall ornaments if he fucks her up.

Only direction to go is up, eh?

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