The toilet.

If I wondered where I have been, I will only have to look back on this entry and scratch My head in amazement. I took Wed off to get the car fixed, and it was. FInally. Its a novelty to not bottom out on ant hills, I tell you.

This is where things get blurry. I went to work Thursday, then volunteered for a shuttle. Bad idea. I get to the dropoff location at a Chase bank vault center and we were beaten there by a sister terminal with a tractor trailer full of shit. This equals three hours of extended hell. And I didnt get home til past midnight. If My car were a pumpkin I would have slid into the driveway on seeds, and half a rind.

I had the honor of waking up again at 4am to repeat the whole process again. How could I not love this job? Oh right, payday. Duh.

Evantually I did make it back home. Checked email, and sat down and didnt strip for bed immediately. This computer hasnt been turned on in over 2 days. I havent been turned on in weeks. Unless you count by Me.

I rushed to a store to buy some things and found myself in the baby section. I ended up spending alot of money on things I dont even know My sister will use. But if I had a child, I would have done the same thing. Which also explains why I nearly started bawling while driving home in the dark. We wont go there....

I do try. Really hard to remember I wasnt at fault, and things werent in My control. Things just happen for whatever reason.

There is alot to be said, but I forget much of it if I dont write it down within 24 hours. This is where the short term memory fails but the long term reigns supreme. I can remmeber what an ex ate for dinner when we first met, but I cant remmeber if I washed My socks. Yes, this is a problem, and Im working on it.

Oh now I remmeber.....

Wed night. I went to My cousins house. An older cousin, and his wife. She is Puerto Rican, but she feels like an aunt to me. She made us arroz con pollo, y frijoles and all the friggin pina coladas we could handle. I handled My 7up just fine. (I had to drive home) My sisters were there, and we had a grand time discussing things familys shouldnt at the dinner table. Like sex. And why we as kids had it to the horror of our parents. My sister swears that weekend at Foxwoods casino with three guy friends was totally innocent. My cousins wife said if it had been two guys she would have been concerned. Right...

Ive considered writing to a congressmen, or a local newsgroup about My problem. One nights dreaming was about nothing but that fucking money. Im not kidding. I went to bed dreaming about it, and woke up with it fresh in my head. Some people agree its worth a try, and some bless them even offered to write it for me. But one problem...

I dont want to be the poster boy for poor. To see people I went to school with, or who see me all over Long island and NY to point me out with pity in their eyes. Or to mock me. As badly as I need the help, that would prevent me from even trying. What little pride I do allow Myself would be crushed. To me there is a diffrence between asking for help, and begging for it. It weighs heavy on My mind, and the events which could follow if I couldnt handle the negative......ok "possible" negative reaction it could have.

My cousin Jeff still wants to disscuss options with Me, but I dont know what will come of that. That scenario too gives me doubts and concerns. There is too much to think about, and I have a hard time organizing My head. Would also explain why I have so many boxes of "miscillanious" crap in diffrent places. I know how to sort, but dont sometimes. Im most organized when working. When I punch out from work My organizing skills shut down I guess. But I do have a slight OCD complex. Very subtle as I do things in patterns. And I like repitition in things I enjoy, like reliving somehting wonderful but it doesnt always happen.