Chuck.

My friend of over 15 years, and the cosigner of My studen loans....backed out on Me.

My history with him has been long, and troubled. Usually I was the trouble. Despite what people think of him for what he did he is still a good man. He was there for me when no one else was. Generous, and helpful as best he could be. But he is a flawed man. There are things about Chuck I dont feel comfortable with.

He is a conspiracy theorist. He beleives the world is out to get him. His views of politics are way out there. He knows so much about politics it scares me. Foriegn policies, and the man knows where every beer joint is, and restaurant in the NY metro region.

He is sort of like me in alot of ways. We are pretty solitary. Work to live, and enjoy going out. My parents let only him in our house as well. We dont get visitors. Mainly because the house is a shambles, and its falling apart, and we are ashamed of looking poor. Charlie has always seen us poor, so he is accepted. There is no shame with him around.

But today....

I felt ashamed. Untrusted, and alone.

For the first time since Ive known him, he made me feel naked. Emotionally.

Why did he have to wait until the very last moment to let me fall? WHy did he even sign the precursor applications if he wasnt going to go through with it, and I got My hopes up. Thats why it is worse, I let myself believe. My only friend....didnt want to help me. He made it sound like I wouldnt be able to pay this loan, and he would be stuck paying. I would be like an anchor, a black mark on him when he is already on edge.

I dont blame him for looking out for himself.

Im just confused, and ashamed of being let go like this. Part of me feels like he will avoid me. Like he has this week, not returning my calls.