There are many times in the past where events which were to come didnt take effect on me mentally, and emotionally until I could practically smell them coming. Today felt like that. Not yesterday, or last week or the months prior. Today.

I was telling people I have been seeing for over a year that next saturday....will be the last day they see me. It was saddening, and somehow final. I felt the invisible deadline in front of me. It was palpable, and as the hours passed telling people about My final days became harder to do. I am a sentimentalist. There will be many faces I will miss seeing so regularly. Many people I have come to enjoy seeing will be the ones I remmeber most vividly. Meeting people, and seeing "friends" is what makes me get up in the morning. Its what makes work enjoyable.

I have a week left. It finally feels real.

But so much looms in the horizon as well. My brother. My mom. My sister. My uncertainties (which are numerous) and My fear. I am afraid of change. Any change in routine is hard on Me. It isnt like I cant cope with change, I do quite readily, but it is slightly frustrating, and unsettling not knowing what will happen next. Or how I will deal with something I am unsure of. For instance I know there will be some formulas to learn and apply in training. Math is My arch nemisis from way back. There will undoubtably be some swimming tests. As competent as I feel in the water, I am bad at treading water, or swimming normal strokes. Most of the ways I swim are modified strokes which have worked for me, but are not the fastest modes of locomotion.

Camden. Right across the river from Philly. CIty of brotherly love. Camden was rated #1 in the country for violent crime. I cant wait.

If you couldnt see Me rolling My eyes.......I was.

I havent packed yet. I have not gotten any of My crap boxed and put in the basement. Part of me reasons that if I even get the motivation to do so it will be harder yet to cope with. But rushing last minute feels like a failure.

I dont know what I will do by myself in a room all alone with no tv, no phone and no internet. That my friends is a recipe for madness.

But I do harbor some excitement. Its oppertunity knocking and I have answered the door. Now I just have to apply all the traits I know I have which will make My dreams come true. Success is round the corner. I just have to walk the line. This is the feeling of anticipation which tests ones patience.

if I cant get internet....I will miss everyone I speak to. You will be missed more than you know.