I have been in My own little world as of late. Much has passed, and alot has gone by. News of My mom is that I heard her and My father come home late last night. She had been in the hospital for a little over a week.

I have been having alot of problems with My coimputer. Its acting so slow you would think it was filled with quicksand. This has been a rather rapid development I noticed taking place a little more than a few weeks ago and has gotten so bad the computer barely runs now. I purchased two programs to try and fix the problem. Believing it to be from two main sources I installed Spyware Doctor" and "Registry Mechanic". SD was registered without trouble but after scanning the system, and running repairs I noticed even more problems. RM on the other hand didnt register with the provided lock-key and now I am stuck wondering what is wrong. Even while running that program it found over 45 problems which require immediate repair but without it registering that cannot be done. SD found over 250 infections.

No shit.

Panda Antivirus didnt catch them I think because they entered the system through weaknesses in My Internet Explorer running on Millenium. So Im on a sick laptop, and I have few options. I know I need a new computer.

I looked in the morror and didnt like what I saw. The padded cheekbones. The eyes seemed sad without My meaning them to be. Is it age, or circumstances? News from the school will be had sometime early next week on the financial aid. I asked what I absolutely had to have on the very first day of class. My answer was steel toed boots. The counselors try to get me to sound optimistic, but I wont let that get to me, or make me feel better. There is still too much at stake, so much left untied that I cant feel happy.

You know....what I should be doing right now and I am not is calling My fucking doctor about the rest of My tests. I think its the depression of possible failure which is making me give up, and be lazy when I could be finalizing everything so I can sleep better. It bothers me feeling like a dissapointment. I challenge Myself too much and let the little things build up till I cant handle them all together.

There is alot going on. I am spreading Myself pretty thinly. Especially mentally, only so much can be processed in My head. Too much memory is absorbed in porn, and petty things. Mainly the small rituals I keep to pass the time, and make me feel alive. One cant feel too bad engaged in some sort of pleasurable activity. But reality always looms one that activity has finished and goes beyond the horizon. Its a restlessness which doesnt seem to have a cure. Bouncing around isnt any fun, now is it.

I was told to compress the scan.log file to a email and send it to the company who designed the software. Its been over an hour and it still has not finished loading to the attachment. What the fuck.....

With the coming of the holiday season, I find Myself once again looking over past memories. Searching for meaning in what I should be feeling but am not. There is a hollowness where joy used to be. But would I trade blissfull ignorance for the truth in which I find Myself today......probably not. I always prefer to know the truth then to allow Myself to be lied to, or live a lie. When the world mocks you, why let them. I have difficulty watching tv programs expelling the joys of christmas, and santa. How shitty it makes me feel to not share that with my family anymore. Childhood, despite the drama was a simply life. I hadnt found Myself then. Well, I havent found Myself yet now either. But Im closer. I know what I want where as before I didnt know anything about what happened around me. I think part of the confusion I have is roots in tha fact that most of society still lives in that little made up world. They have faith where I have none. DOes having faith in something you cannot touch, or see or feel mean that much that it makes you happy? Having comfort that there is a bigger plot unfolding. You are supported with invisible hands. Im sorry....I cant believe that.

Wading into the ocean I see the science. But I dont feel the ocean anymore. Its heartbeat, its soul. Its unfair. To have lost the innocence of illusion, for the cruel reality of knowledge, and understanding is painful. But it also makes it easier to understand why parnets try and protect their children from it. To give them the time to experience life in a safe enviorment. To just be kids. I think despite the hardships, My parents did an awesome job. Or I wouldnt be the man I am today. I wouldnt have the compassion I do today.

Its amzing to realize underneath all of what we see and think most of it is just a invisible barrier created by our own thinking. How we conform to things we just take as normal. Animals dont cross on the crosswalk. They dont see it as we do. When people marry, its a legal binding agreement. Its also a spiritual binding between people. In the world I know there is no marriage. Animals compete each season, save for the few who take mates for life. The animals who mate for life got it right. Because adultery is a human trait.

How great it would be, if we all had someone to care for us.

I was riding around with a older co worker yesterday. he is about My dads age. I found in a bank candy canes. I brought one nack to him as a gift.

"they didnt have any candy walkers pops, so here is a candy cane". He didnt get it.

But when I offered him a pair of candy cane balls from another stop he balked.

"want to lick one of My balls?

*laughing* "no"

"cmon, they arent dirty, just put them in your mouth"

*laughs more*

"I know you want to suck on My balls. Here, just lick one"

After repeated attempts he finally takes one and I cheered. He is the poster child for a midlife crisis. Sports car and ponytail included.