Times when I purposely try to be nice to gain attention, or to seem pleasing to people. It could be mistaken for common courtesy, because when I try to do something nice it seems sucpicious, or out of character.

Most of the stress I felt today happened after my regular work schedule, and when I volunteered in the vault for some overtime. It felt like I was in wild kingdom, and I demonstrated some very peculiar, but instinctual behaviors. Many of which I diasected on the ride home like the good little thinker I am. Ok, evil thinker.

Moving right along.

I imagined (on the way home) that I was the victim of some nature films mating ritual documentary sort of thing. o_o

Imagine a party. But not just any party. A complete sausage fest and there is but one girl amoung a flock of horny, vulgar, pushy male stereotypes. This girl wore a very alluring scent and it wasnt hard to pick it up with the other nonsexy odors floating around. Sweaty old men. Anyways she was milling around talking to everyone but yours truly. Normally I wouldnt be offended by this but I feed off off negative, or positive energy like some sort of fleshy motor. This girl is off My radar screen but her perfume wasnt. It played with the breeding part of my brain. I knew she was there, like a male bear who smells the female bear. Males in the animal kingdom pick up the female by smelling her from a distance, then facing one another to bash each other till someone wins. But alas that doesnt always work in the human kingdom. Said female might be attracted to a more flambouyant, albeit fruity pretty boy. Cute shoes and bad jokes. But I could still crush his head like a watermelon. I dont prance. So pacing around smelling this girl made for awkward times. It went as far as me actually getting mad. All the men were trying pathetically hard to gain her attention, I just sat back in My little corner smelling her, and getting pissed. What gives?

FUcking wild kingdom, and only I understood what was going on. Male posturing, without the bloodshed. Which ironically was even more depressing than realizing I was alone in the universe and smelling a girl made me remmeber that.

Scent is soo important. Some girls like to wear creamy, vanilla scents which make me wretch. I dont know why. Its the type of scent which is faint, and makes me think of too sugary confections. Which make My stomach hurt. Bath and bodywordks can either send me soaring, or make me run for the exit depending on which part Im standing in. Cucumber-melon is a personal favorite. But the potpurri(sp?) musk scents made it feel like I was in a old womans toilet closet. Some perfumes just smell of old maids. So when a pretty face wlaks by and I dont look, her perfume is emough for me to brave a glance. And hold it. But you wont catch me sniffing passing girls like a dog in the park, I do have some dignity.

Dry humping their leg only happens if Im drunk, and acting like a dog. Which actually has never happened. Shaddap.

I could have pummled everyone and swept her off her feet, but that so isnt my way. Instead I burned off what aggressive tendencies I was having by throwing the heaviest bags of money across the room. And brooding like a school boy sent to his room. I think I even pouted. Maybe its not supposed to make sense. Instincts can get you thrown in jail.

I know when someone is uncomfortable around me. Nothing has to be said for me to feel whats going on. Im ultrasensitive that way. Like the female who is PMS'ing I read into everything, and overanalyze your every move to pin you into a mental corner. Only diffrence I am fueled with testosterone and big muscles. Which adds up to trouble. Not good.

Yesterday, and today some short, heavyset black girl with blonde hair saw me walking to the door with the deposits and I watched her through My sunglasses. Not making eye contact I heard her say in a loud voice:

"oh, a big one.....I love big ones"

Damn did My face turn red, and I couldnt help but smile. Damn her for making me blush. It wasnt fair, because I dont handle compliments well at all. Either I think they are teasing me for fun, or they are blind. Today while walking out the same stop she caught me this time as she was at a register, passing her and at the last moment before the door she made eyecontact this time. I recognized her immediately, and forgot the whole event of the day prior.

"ohhhh, thought you were going to leave without me seeing you huh?"

Just like yesterday, all the girls around laughed, and joked and I beat feet to the truck fighting hard to push back the color from My cheeks.

Awkward moment. Times two. Strike three she might try to tackle me like a lion catches a gazelle. I might have to put her down.

As always I wish there were an easier way to find the right person. Part of me wants to go shopping like in a slave market for the perfect little lap pet. Another part of me wants a playful, tough girl who needs to eel safe sleeping with a bear. And lastly I would love a girl who dresses up for me so I can parade her across town and make eveyrone jealous. Such is life, and nothing is perfect. Then again learning to settle is a good lesson to learn.

If she comes with her own knee pads, nice shoes, and isnt afaid to wrestle in bed I might be alright.