Maybe not as a childs eyes at a christmas tree full of presents, but not unlike a doughnut.

If the genreal gist of My unhappiness has slipped past the most descriminating of eyes, shame on you. How many hints must I droop for you to see. I write as if I am speaking to someone. Sometimes I do, but usually I hate to write as if I am speaking to Myself. I could do so more easily and save my fingers from a shitload of typing.

I dont believe in destiny. Or fate or kharma. There is no basis for it in My mind. There is no reward for the things I have done. Yet there has been I would think more than My fare share of punishment. None of which makes sense because of all the people telling me I am a deserving person. Good and with a strong mind but if this is the case believing in fate, or kharma would make all those people out to be liars then wouldnt it....

It would be wonderful if I could leave something behind when I die. Something to be remmebered by. Be it flesh, or deed. I dont care which. Deeds being the only thing I have any positive control over as to gain a child would require the consent, and companionship of another free thinking human being with tits. None of which are handy, willing or consenting to me face to face. This is a problem. And hard to describe to people when they ask why dont I just go out and get a girl.....

We are not living in caves any longer. I simply vant go out bashing heads and dragging girls off. Might be foreplay to some, its illegal to others. Some even pay good money for such treatment. But mixing business with pleasure always fortells disaster anyway.

I will never be ccarried off the field of battle. There will be no parades. One cant sit and wait for action. And looking for a cause makes one seem restless, and over anxious. I am neither.

The prospects of school arent looking good. I am having second thoughts about even mentioing the idea of co-signing a loan with the only friend I have. Maybe this is a large part of why I am so sad lately. Why things weigh heavier on me than in past days. The loss of friendship with a distant soul is also cause for concern as I had put a lot of emotional currency into this friendship, and now it seems to have been lost. This isnt the first time I have watched people abandon me from afar.

During My darkeest days......I always believed in one inevitable truth for my past failures. I was never there when they needed me.

How can I be more than what they see me as if I cant be there? Spirit never took the place of flesh for people. How do you have faith in something you cant touch or see? And no I am not referring to religion. This isnt blind faith, or salvation of your soul. I am talking about surrendering yourself in the arms of another. What faith can you give them when you cant even keep them close.....

Many nights I lay dreaming harsh nightmares of regrets I hold too close. They will never let me rest peacefully. They are heavier to bear than any debt I might have. Because I can never recover from them. I was too late, or not worthy of trust. Which pains me more than I can describe here.

For someone who holds their reputation highest of all his personal wealth seeing it lacking where he needs it to count most doesnt make looking in the mirror, or closing his eyes any easier.

Such is the burden of things I cannot change. I simply dont know how, and am too stubborn to stick my neck out on theories or advice I have no faith in.