Two whole weeks with no word. A funeral was the excuse for the quick departure. Too convenient, and people say I read into things too much. I hate being right.

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I am too scary, or I need to not act so mean....Id be rich, and apparently married by now. The last sentence was My extrapolation, the others are actual accusations by others. Male and female. So many observations by diffrent sources have to hold some element of the truth can it not?

Im not a mean person. I dont go out of My way to piss people off, annoy or frighten. But I dont cave to sarcasm, or when I know someone is playing me for a fool by saying things he means to demean me in such a way as to make himself feel somehow superior. Example:

There is a older, baldheaded black man I work with who goes by the name of "Miles". First name Ray. He is about 37, wears pants which appear to be "highwaters" and rolls his sleeves up to flex the short arms he has. To be fair he is probably no bigger than 5 foot 7inches. 170lbs and Im being generous.

"big man Patrick" as he attempts to greet me first thing in the morning. I have worked with this man before. He has a long standing reputation as a ladies man. His choice in ladies though is far from discerning. They usually are tall as they are wide. He really is a pig at heart. A short pig. With a beard.

I know when people are being sarcastic. The "all year tan" crew here at work is very clichish. They only work together, and seemingly call out sick at the same time. They are also usually the ones caught being lazy. No this isnt a stereotype. I speak in facts only. So.....a comment like this from such a man only warrants silence as a reply. But I know in his mind I am less than he is. A single father sleeping around. I find that tragic and ironic all at once.

I dont like being at odds with people. My lack of acceptable social skills makes me stand apart. My affinity for jumping to violent suggestions usually in jest are taken seriously mostly due to My size, demeanor and facial expressions. When I am serious I am too serious. When I joke around Im seen as serious. What other options do I have?

Like so many others each day is a struggle to accept what it is people see in Me. What I fail to accomplish even when I try to fit in. I have found trying to fit in is harder than just being who I am, which is the path which keeps me away from others. I hate lowering My standards to fit in. When you follow the crowd the scenery never changes. When you walk alone the scenes change, but you are that, alone.

I had a dream today while the days route went by. Somehow I had managed to secure some land somewhere. Not too big but large enough for privacy and it was a soveriegn land. I made the laws. As I wont go into too much detail I played it out where things went My way, I saw how they unfolded and was pleased with the results. Imperfect reasoning is dreams. Idealistic and usually impossible. But they make us feel better. Dreaming is the way I can live out the impossible. The hard part is understanding that logic in dreamland, doesnt always work in reality. And we are let down by this fact. I wonder when real life will start being like dreams, and dreams feeling like reality.

Still no cosigner. Things arent looking too good. And Im reserving My emotions from going in either direction. This time I kept Myself from going too far by rejoicing prematurely. I kept the glass half empty just in case. I guess Im just too negative for my own good. I cant fake being happy, or upbeat so I will appear more likeable, or attractive to people. Id still be living a lie if I faked it. A mental orgasm, minus the white mess.

Tomorrow is Halloween. It was at one time My favorite holiday. Now it is a day of the week where people get dressed up. It was the last day I actually looked forward to during the entire year. My birthday has been lost as well. It means nothing. So much has changed since I was in school. I was optimistic then. Too large a dose of reality has killed that in Me. And it is said that any man who lacks confidence will always be by himself.

I have nothing to sell to your eyes. There is no shiney wrapping. No bow or tinsel. No surprize to jump out at you when you arent looking. No happy endings. I have used those up already even though they were unfinished, and short lived. The credits are running and you missed the movie. Maybe you are better off having not seen it. Too cliche. Overdramatized. Moving on to something else instead. Nothing here but the candy wrappers.