The baby has been born and Ive not been in the mood to write anything lately. Even the posting of the picture was a day late. Alot has been onb My mind about family, money and friendships. Too many things at once, too little time and I have My back against the invisible wall of time.

At nine pounds plus My sister opted for the C section because she didnt want to have to push for 12 hours and end up getting the C anyway. And it saved her from being cut down south too. The day after when I went to see her she was in alot of pain and was just given a new dose of painkillers. By the time I was leaving she was a zombie. Yea for drugs. But I never got to hold the baby. Or take pictures becuase the hospital sucked donkey balls. She and the baby are home today and since Im off I might go over to make something happen.

My sister jokingly made the comment about how I wont be considered for babysitting. As she didnt want her son touching sharp weapons. Well no duh, he's a baby. But he is going to learn it from me, or someone else. SOunds funny but it also bothered me a little. Thinking back at how me and her never really saw eye to eye on some things. She never liked My thinking and a mother is a woman who wont let anything happen to her children. Im not dangerous like that. Or careless. But I wonder what part of this childs life I will take.

My brother is unlikely to get married anytime soon. Coupled with some news I heard last night I fear for his health. Blood tests showed irregular platelet counts and poor spleen function. He might also be diabetic. In his present condition he will deteriorate before My eyes and I will be forced to bury My only brother before its his time to go.

My youngest sister is unmarried, out on her own and struggling. The chances of her having a family are small unless its out of wedlock, in which case I will kill the father.

My sister who is the newest mommy and the pride of My parents because they have a grandchild has always been the most wholesome of all of us. More laid back, quiet and normal. Yes she is normal. In that regard I am nothing like her except in blood.

Then there is Me. Grounds for being the "black sheep" shouldnt mean Im a jail hardened felon. But I am nothiong like the rest of My family either. To include distant relatives or closer kin either. Many of My personality traits have fallen far from the fruit bearing tree of My gene pool. I am single. No children, no family. Struggling like others but where I seperate Myself is in My thinking. Many of the beliefs I have collide with the group mentality of My clan. They wouldnt undertsand and I know they would never agree. The relationship I have with those out of the immediate family is poor at best.

What does it say about someone when you life in a shelter, cant afford food or anything but your other family lives in mansions and vacations to a private beach house in the virgin islands. Knowing we had nothing yet living the high life. Dare I mention this person is also a ordained deacon of a episcopalian church. He played no part in My life. His children know me but barely.

My whole family I feel is ashamed of us. The poor. Yeah they call, wish us good tidings. But they were never there. Never extended a helping hand.

I am the black sheep in the outcasts. What does that make me to anyone who shares My blood then? Nothing.

This baby is my only chance to have a member of My family who could care about me. I lost my baby. For as happy as I am for My sister, I also mourn silently for myself. To show anything but jubilation would be seen as sarcasm, or being ungrateful for my sister and her husband. Im not allowed to mourn. I am not allowed to be openly selfish for myself. That is a prison with no bars.

Not having a coinnection to My own family hurts me. My own family is showing signs of falling apart with por health, or new beginnings. So part of me sees this child as just one more degree of seperation. Something to hold over my head as I cant force my sister to let me in her new life. That would be horrible for me to do.

As for school....

The financial aid forms are complicated, and disenheartening to read. I will need a cosigner. Meaning someone must put theor faith in Me on the dotted line. Sign theor life away and hope I know what Im doing. If you have understood all Ive written you already know there is little hope of this happening. This is precisely why I have refrained from celebrating. SO much weighs against me all the time its hard to be optimisitc. There is almost no one I can count on to come to my aid. This is the story of My life here. No one cares.

I dont know what I will do. I could never ask My rich relatives for help. If they wouldnt help mne as a child, they would only despize me more as an adult. They are still My family, so I love them but I cant count on them ever.

There is only one man. One friend I know who "might" help. Charlie. Chuck. The one f4riend who even cared to visit me in the hospital when I was locked away for depression. But the guilt I feel in My heart prevents me from just asking him outright. One should never take advantage of another lest he burn the only lifeline they have. He is too special for me to do that to. I am a uncertainty. I have no roots, and knowing my self worth is based on that fact only puts me more at odds for risking his friendship for this venture.

Working late yesterday I had wanted to write all this out better than I have now. The feelings and words come so easily when Im stewing in My own juices. But a manager of a resturant gave me free dinner. I ate it on the way back to the terminal and I forgot all of what I wanted to say. Its hard to be angry on a full belly.