Or what I imagine one to be. One can fail having not given up the fight but to have not succeeded he is still seen as second best.

I hate feeling this way. Not quite sure I have lost or not. Wether the good tidings of the finacial aid rep were true and that I will do well. She doesnt know My mind in these things. In the balance of friendships and honor. Some things I cannot do. Swimming the channel I do so alone and without guidance. If I drown so be it. But I tried on My own and there should be merit in that venture even though I didnt take the helping hand which was offered.

Maybe I see Myself as a martyr of sorts. Unfairly judging what I do with the deeds and words of others. I like being diffrent. There is pride in being one to stand alone against the tide. Because no one can ever take what I have gained for myself away. I cant be marked a liar, or a cheat. Sometimes the moral high ground is still under flood waters.

I stayed home. I didnt see the baby or My sister. Maybe she needs to rest more before entertaining company.

Im afraid I find it hard to remain distant and friendly to someone without leaking the hurt I feel. Hinting about how I have not let go.

I dont want guilt to drag anyone down. That would be wrong. But I cannot deny what I nedd to say, or feel. Clinging desperately to old memories. Part of me realizes it is a lost cause, or was never meant to be. That is when our mind plays tricks on the heart replaying perfect moments in time only worsening the pain.

Miss hayley tried to console me today. She is a sweet girl, but in all fairness her life differs from mine. A world apart her needs are not my needs. And she is better off in her world, than trying to improve mine. Even if she meant well. Sweet indeed. I wish more were like you dear girl.

Where were all of you.....when I was growing up?

Where were the kindhearted girls who now see a worth in Me as a man, but not until today?

EVen if I were to find someone who would have me, as I am......I cant help but feel at a loss for all the time which has passed, and you were not there. WHere are you....who would take My pain from me? Knowing full well the emotional anchors of the past which will never depart. Can you help me to have new memories which will erase the old? Face to face with you I am not a brave man. To let you see into My soul would be to give away what little leverage I think I have. Women sometimes do not realize the power which men have given them. Not all men mind you, mentally ill ones do not count. Wars have started for the love of a girl. How many fights have you seen which started with a glance to one not in your company.

I could not sit in our terminal yesterday as I saw a young man approach one of the girls who works in the vault without feeling a twinge of jealousy. Unfair to feel this way, I have no interest in her.....but I was jealous of how readily she bore his company, and smiled.

I guess I am not the go and get her kind of man. SOmeone who elicits the sort of response I get from people who see me is better off not approaching young maidens lest a lynch mob quickly follows. I hate rejection. And even if I was being flirted with, I probably wouldnt notice it anyway. There is no sense of urgency to ask anyone out. No courage to get rejected anymore than was involuntarily given when I was a younger man. SOme would say this is the cause for my dominant attitudes. To relclaim the lower I didnt have growing up. But what they fail to see is that I dont command obedience to just anyone. Those who would let me tie them up do so by free will. Few in number as they were they were still volunteers. The real lost causes are rapists, and murderes. I am niether.

I think Id rather face certain death, than certain rejection when My heart is captured. One is far less painfull than the other.