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7:43 p.m. - 2005-10-09

Nothing is certain in life, especially success.

The large print giveth....and the fine print taketh away. Upon further investigation by Myself I have comne to the conclusion that the possibility of me going to school is a forgone disaster. Apparently (and Ive not confirmed this yet) I need to come up with $3000 on the first day of classes regardless of financial aid.

If this is true...I wont be able to follow through with My plans. There is no way I can come up with this money. Not even by saving. My idea to even consider this training was to give Myself the oppertunity to provide a better life for myself and My parents. I cannot tell you what thi9s has done to My sprits today...

Driving to work this morning that realization came to mind, and to be honest that long road felt very diffrent to me. Humbling, neverending and cold. A realization that I was driving into My destiny and that I was guided not by my own hand but by circumstance to be stuck in a endless loop of struggling. There was no end to this road. Life being the journey that it is made this idea in My head fill me with a feeling of loneliness. Despair, and how I could have let myself be gullible, and believe there was a silver lining in sight. How could I let my hopes get up knowing something has always come to douse the fire of initiative. I knew fianancial aid was going to be a long shot. But knowing My hopes rest on My ability to make $3000 appear out of nowhere, on My salary was disheartening.

Heartbroken is a good word. Let down. Stepped on once again by lack of funds. Something too many people take for granted. Having oppertunity layed out before them like hors d'oeuvres at a banquet. Being able to pick and choose any one they wanted.....

I sit and watch from the window as they dine. I can see what it means to have oppertunity, but will never sample it for myself. There will never be an easy way out. These are the emotions which make men desperate for a way out. Why so many feel forced to choose between what is right and what is wrong and what they think they deserve.

Knowing I need money, to make money....

It kills me.

It is easy to forget My dreams weigh on Me and that My hopes are in the hands of humanity. Of which I have little faith. People have proven to me how selfish they can be. How bitter they can be towards one another. Why there is so much hatred in the world because we are seen as diffrent. There will always be need. And open hands seeking relief. WHich might never come in the dawn of the lives they lead. Living is a test. Sounds simple, to do what you must to live....

I do not run the wilds in a loin cloth, killing animals and watching the sunset. We are forced to live within the confines of a society. We must conform or we will be weeded out by laws, and men and their ways. You either fall into line like the rest, or you fail by yourself. There are no more indeviduals. All have risen on the shoulders of others, by force or by choice. How the group mentality holds back the indevidualism we hold inside.

If it sounds too good to be true, usually it is....

I led Myself to believe I had a good shot at getting out of the life of poverty I was born into. Teasing myself with the notions of a new car, a home and seeing my parents cared for. I aimed too high. And this is My penance for failing the read the fine print.

The road looked lonely today. And as My car fails each day, that road gets more unforgiving. Until I am stuck on the side of the road. Alone. Aging but going nowhere....that isnt life.

And I would spare others the depression and longing I felt today.

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