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8:25 p.m. - 2005-09-29

Ah, the twisted entrails of jealous anger.

The wishing I could hurt people Ive never met, and who have no reason(as far as I can see) to genuinely deserve to get their guts stomped out.

But I hate......him.

I am reminded of so many in my past which have taken away from the memories I have collected. How I have been knocked down a few rungs on the ladder I saw Myself on in days past. It isnt fair, there is no explanation for all of this but Im still angry. And hateful deep down. Part of Me should be happy. It would be advice I would hear Myself give to others. But in hindsight I cannot do so. Not willingly, even if I know there is nothing more there. Least in her eyes.

This is one of the times I feel most vulnerable. Weak emotionally, and in My own thinking no one could care for someone more than Me.

How new people are described, somehow shadowing the good things I did for them even in the worst of times. How displaced I have become in light of unreciprocated feelings I gave and never regained in return.

Thi9s is the suffering I feel for any I have loved before. I will always hate the new man. The unknowing boyfriend who I learn of usually by mistake.

They would want me to be happy for them....

I would have to lie....

Because I can never be happy for them that way.

It is selfish of me to feel this way. But the feeling of being replaced.....makes me feel like less of a good thing. Sort of like an insult. I wasnt good enough......

DIstance has been a real killer. Being so far away from the ones I grew to care for and distance in this case doesnt make the heart grow fonder. It drives the heart away, in a act of self preservation. But one person remains faithful...despite the long miles.

One man who has always been true.

Me.

I have never been the one to break off a relationship. It has always been someone else. And for reasons I dont know. So when left with no closure, still madly in love one is left to ponder the real reasons we were left to the wayside.

Its no wonder My self esteem takes a hit on a regular basis.

But I would still be pleased to see his liver on a stone alter beneath the moonlight.

Dont ask why Im single. If I knew I wouldnt be.


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