Telling me you "dont know" isnt fair....

But neither is expecting more.

It made My heart sink, and My stomach turn to read those words. So uncertain, when My gut tells Me volumes more, but without conformation. So the "what if's" and speculation eats away at My spirit a little more each time. And I let the unknown comfort me, as much as it attacks the memories I have. Much of what I have hoped for was a long shot. My track record of long shots have been duds. Dismal failures and still I linger to the shred of good I had known back then....

So easily the tide of despair can make good news seem unimportant. The whole Dive school thing. As optimistic as I want to be, the main thing holding me back emotionally from cheering is My credit. If My chances for success are based on My past money problems....it doesnt look too good and getting My hopes up will only send Me in a slump.

These are the moments which justify My lack of total commitment, but it doesnt mean I havent invested a large portion of My emotions on them. Thjey mattered. They still matter. And once again, I am lef5t sitting on the sidelines, waiting for something which might not be. Will I be put aside again. Will I fail time and time again with no way out...

Pessimism isnt a disease.

It is a curable condition. It has a opposite. But when no ground is gained, it is a losing battle from the first person perspective. The optimist looks from all angles. Only when you stare down the barrel of the gun do you see no hope.