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4:52 p.m. - 2005-09-13

I spent the majority of today in a mental funk.

The depression hit hard and fast. Simply from trying to look into My future, and even then it was far too glamorized to be taken seriously, and was even more depressing than it had previously been.

Heaven and hell. When the mind goes away.

There is so much hypocracy in the world. (which Im sure I spelled incorrectly) People wanting peace, but resorting to bloodshed as a justified tool of dissagreement. Palastinians beating on the walls of abandoned synegogues like they have any real effect. A olive branch of peace is seen as a victory instead of someone coming half way. Israel didnt have to pull out of Gaza. So much blood lost on both sides for 38 years you would think they would be grateful. But instead diffrent factions within the Palastinian organizations were parading around like it was a victory celebration.

I dont believe in a god. Apostles, or saints. Angels or salvation at the hands of a all powerful spirit above me. Just the same I dont believe there is a hell. Yes there are clouds, and beautiful views up above. And ironcally enough the earth beneath your feet does eventually turn to molten lava. But the similarities end there.

Would the truth (yes as I see it) of no punishment in the hereafter fortell even more violence by those who were held back from chaos by the shred of doubt wether or not they will get it in the end? Or will it just end the senseless bombings by those who think they have a shitload of virgins coming to them. What god would reward barbaric actions with promises of flesh bound sensations when you have no body?

The truth has always been a double edged sword. Knowing they have no reward might end some desperate religious zealots from so willingly dieing. The propoganda fed to them will be for nothing and the only real value they would have is to be sold as disposable timers for future bombs in repayment for giving poor families money.

The church would fall in a blaze as masses rummaged through the ruins for loose change.

I know religion plays an important role in the thoughts and hopes of so many people. They believe its all they have. They feel the power of some hidden force guiding them. Personally I think its our instinct for survival which keeps us going. You cant tell me that all the chickens we killed last year all went to heaven. That Lamb you dined on for Easter is eating grass in a heavenly pasture. There is no comfort for Me there. No promise of more to come when My eyes glaze over for the last time. The empty void of death has no peace. No dignity. Not in My mind.

I want to live as long as I can. Ever since I weighed My value to others and realized I have self worth I want to live. But would I change that view if I wasnt really living....

I can sense My memory is not what it once was. Especially My short term memory. I have to work harder to do simple tasks now. I forget jeys, to bring back a barcode scanner when I leave work. Its embarrassing, and it has Me worried. WHat if it is a sign of worse things. Early onset Alzheimers.

How would I feel if I couldnt remmeber a family members face, or how to speak. A prisoner in My own mind. No one to care for Me. Wasting away in a silent world.

Time is not your friend.

I cried realizing the possibilities, and the truth in the lack of direction, the lack of things I have not attained I see others enjoying. Family, a home and friends. The fear of dying alone is the worst. I know I will someday, but please not alone.

It might seem trivial to a normal person, but I am also not caught up in the moment and I see things for what they are. Distraction from My thoughts would be a welcome vacation.

Somedays I wish I were normal.

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