This is the guilt after the fact.

After a important phone call, and some bill paying I am home to relax. Or to try valiantly in the procrastination of chores screaming at me from all around. There is something to be said for selective deafness, or a lack of concience in this matter. Dirty socks cannot, and will not rule my life. I expect them to coup within the week.

I built the fastest BMW sedan in the world in my head yesterday.

Carbon fiber, and titanium were the most widely used terms. And billet aluminum.

I built it like POW's build their dream home while in captivity. Every last detail is thought out and executed.

Why a BMW? WHy the detail? WHy the cost? WHy the fuck not? But is this a symptom of a problem?

Am I trying to escape from something? Live beyond My means or live out of My current lifestyle...who knows. But it is cruel to come crashing back down to reality when you blink your eyes.

Sometimes blinking can save you from a nightmare as well.

I dreamt last night I was caught in a attempted robbery. The pounding in My chest was real. The burning in My throat was real. I almost felt myself shaking from the odds I was facing. Even the lump in My throat was real. So many what ifs, so few options.

I usually mention how I am not one to regret a choice after I make it. Some things dont have the luxury of time, or the ability to think out the scenario far enough to make a moral, and correct choice. Life is full of these moments even if some arent nearly as life threatening. But living with the choice you made can haunt you the rest of your life.

meh...

One of the older members of My compnay was in the terminal the other day (I had yet to arrive) when he drew his pistol and pulled the trigger as people watched on unsure of what he was going to do. The gun went off.

One round had been fired and bounced off a few walls before stopping. People hit the ground, dived behind barriers, some ran not knowing who was shooting, or why. Pretty scary being shot at, or near in a place you feel normally safe.

By state law it is supposed to be reported to the authorities when a weapon is illegally discharged. No one was notified. Instead they are suspending himn without pay for a week.

In reality this 62 yr old man would have lost his weapon, and been thrown in jail.

Personally I think he might be a liability.