Maybe it was more of a revelation, and not a blank stare.

When a door closes, another opens they say. When you make a wrong turn another path opens before you. You need to break some egss, if you're going to make an omlette.

What if I liked the room I was in just fine. WHats wrong with retracing My steps. What if I wanted to hard boil them instead. There always has to be other options. A way of making things right. And when such things are unrealistic dreams I hurt a little. One of the immature little kid emotions I kept along the way. I really never outgrew certain things. Ways of behaving. I dont care if it makes Me look like a kid to rediscover things people have put aside as old things. In some ways I am catching up to everyone else. Like finally realzing why certain songs were cool, a style of clothing just made sense. And we wont even mention the whole social activity thing, cuz I am way behind the power curve in that department.

Some people might never know how I feel about them. Mainly because Im too afraid to say so. Afraid that saying anything will make talking too awkward a thing. All the insight and empathy in the world and I am still blinded by My own emotions. How certain we are about other people but some of us....me especially apparently become blinded by the obvious.

I sound retarded being so vague, but I cant even write this here. For reasons unknown I can mention embarrassing moments, sexual deviations, and family here but not all My feelings for fear of opening Myself up completely.

It makes no fucking sense. Im biting my tongue even thinking of reasons why. All of them selfish.

When certain words seem wrong, no matter how they are said. Everything in yourself tells you what to say, but you.......more importantly....I, am incapable of saying things I have to say.

Often I write in this diary when I feel compelled to sya what I have to or go mad. But some things just cant be said.

Im afraid.

Is that so wrong?

A grown man being afraid. When everything I know hangs in the balance, and the happy times I can barely remember are but distant memories. I should have a plan already. There should be fucking guidelines for people to follow so they dont get lost in all this. WITHOUT becoming selfish assholes. I cant fight every conflict to victory. I cant save every innocent victim. And I cant make myself happy when Im not. Carpe Diem doesnt always work in the end. Usually its came, and went. Almost made it, and could have done.

I hate falling short of My own expectations.

I sound pessimistic again, and I havent even reread what I wrote yet. It just seems to have that negative, snap your neck vibe to it.

I think one of the hardest things I suffer from is moving on, after something has past.

Maybe that makes some sense.

When its over for you, it isnt always over for me.

There, I said it.

Partly.

So many wrongs, and no way to make anything right. You'd be a pessimist too.