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9:54 p.m. - 2005-05-08

There is nothing perfect in this world. Nothing. We just cant see the imperfections under the surface.

I could be in bed now.

Watching The tv.

But instead Im left questioning my sense of reality. A real deep personal inspection. Why some people think I am mad, angry, upset, or just dead set on a certain idea and and I am impossible to dissuade?

Ive said it once, I will sau it again. The intellectual argument always wins. I believe in extenuating circumstances. I believe in a lesser of two evils. I believe in keeping an open mind to possibilities I did not see before.

If I look at the surface of a pond, I could probably guess what was beneath the surface. Fish, frogs, turtles, weeds, leaves. Simply because Ive been in ponds before, and those are easily guessable pond-like things. But what about things that I didnt know where there just because I didnt check to see if they were there. Plankton, rocks, stumps, insects. Shouldnt I have guessed they were there too? They always were, but i didnt see them there. Because I didnt look hard enough, I thought I knew all there was about ponds but I discovered there was more to see than I thought before.

Was it a lack of effort on My part not to see the snakes in the water, the hidden ducks nest. Shouldnt it be noted that there will always be more to something than we know already? SOmething new to discover?

Cant the same be for people?

DO you think a man and wife stop learning things about one another as the years pass?

I surely hope not.

The excitement is in the discovery. Learning.

Someone saw the surface of my face tonight and thought I had condemned them. That I was unwilling to see beneath the surface and know more. To accept everything as the truth.

No.

I believe I have learned alot about people. By watching, observing and talking. But I cant know everything. I will make mistakes. But I am just as quick to apoligize for making mistakes. Those who know me remember I am My own worst critic. If I believe I have done wrong, I punish Myself ten times worse than anyone else can.

My own worst enemy. How poetic.

Is the friendship of Ghost, worth his infernal rambling, his stumbling as he learns things...his inability to take a compliment, or his twisted fascination with hurting people? Do I need this person in My life? He is such a pessimist, even when we tell him he is good, he always plays like its a lie. Maybe, he is better off forgotten.

Because thats exactly the way I see things.

Im confident.

Im confident Im a mistake sometimes.

Confident I dont belong.

And sometimes....when Im really down....

Confident I should have died long ago.But I dont like to quit either.

So here I am.

What is a friendship worth.

WHat am I worth?

I cant answer for anyone. Because My answer will usually be lower than the value they put on it.

This is really a fucking depressing entry isnt it....

I knew it would be before I even began typing.

I only write when I am moved to do so. Usually by emotions, or deep thoughts fueled by emotions.

Fuck if I know what the hell Im doing.

6 people who actually read this crap

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