My life might be complete shit, but I will have clean socks.

I feel the pressure of the glass pressing against me as I lay under the microscope has got to go. Some unusual, long term psychological test which I feel I failed by simply being who I always have been. The type of test where you arent allowed to know whats going on, and your reactions are measured, studied and possibly laughed at along the way. Sort of like a fluffy bunny with lipstick on.

To have such an important part of My life ripped away, will certainly test any shred of humanity I had left. It is hard to not feel foolish. Questions which answer questions. To think I still love a complete stranger. One I thought I knew, could read and sympathize with. A friend to share My day, talk and look forward to hearing from. That seems impossible now because I seriously believe you will completely ignore me now. WHich I fear more than anything.

But I am powerless.

There is nothing I can really do to change the truth, or the turn of events. I was happier, not knowing. Like a lab animal content with its surroundings. I accepted what I saw, and made it part of me.

I do not know the depths of your mind anymore. What you really feel. If anything I say will even be met by your brown eyes. That much I know was real. Blissfully naive I used to say. How ironic a statement that is right now.

Did you laugh at my attempt to be a friend?

Was I a butt of a joke?

Or am I secret, never to be spoken to again....

I must be an embarrasment.

Too shameful to allow in a room of friends or family.

I wish I knew who you are.

This is where the hole gets a little bit deeper. Winds colder, and the light fades from view with the returning of the clouds of night.

Tonight, when I cry myself to sleep....

I will dream of all the moments which time has let me see. The good, the bad, and the terrifying. My heart bled for you those times. It can even be said I would have taken your place in a grave.

"I never get what I want"

*chokes back emotion*

Unlike some others I knew, I never expected this.

You knew My family. I let you speak to them, as I would anyone close to me. What do I tell them?

I dont even know what to tell Myself.

There is no beginning or end to the feeling that I really am alone right now.

People call me a pessimist. Some have said, people really do like me. They really do care. How can I beleive any of that? I even dreamt of being able to hug you someday. That will never happen. You wont let it happen. I am dangerous. A dark secret which would hurt your way of life, and I can never be allowed to be a part of that.

Maybe these words will seem empty. Meaningless. SOme people are capable of simply forgetting and moving on.

I am not one of those people.

I dont ever forget. I relive every thing which has ever happened to me over and over. You can be sure tonight will be no exception. I have marked My body with scars of paint so I can show thw world, and remind Myself of the places and people I have seen.

Tonight, there are new ones to be made.