I blame the good intentions of a dear friend.

Brad Paisley(Alison Klauss) "whiskey lullaby"

I shouldnt have started listening to this song tonight, especially considering the mood I was in today. The things which raced through My head all day as I jumped in and out of the big blue truck.

I curse my luck somedays. My lot in life, and the damnation I see Myself getting into on a daily basis. It was not enough that I had to have a car wreck days before My birthday. Almost to the day I had My arms inked for the first time. To realize today the cost of the repair might exceed the remainder of the loan to pay it off. Inspection sticker is expiring, as is the registration. Cant pass a car for inspection missing a headlight. Cant register a car with no inspection. I am not happy.

Damn that song.

It reminds me of things I tried to put out of My head. I will admit it doesnt help matters that I keep constant reminders close at hand, of past miseries to torture myself with. But frankly speaking, I wouldnt have it any other way.

Starving in the streets, I would never part with it. The courts could demand its surrender, and I would swallow it, and blow my brains out before handing it over.

My stomach twisted realizing I would be capable of such things. Nothing is worth that is it?

Memories, good or bad are all I have to mark time, and My path through life. Good or bad, it doesnt matter. And when so pure an emotion is forged into physical form, I could not part with it.

I dont try to be dramtic. Drama seems to follow me where I go. And often such vivid ideas are the only way I have to tell My story.

My ring.

Her ring....

Damn her...

I think I love that ring, more than I love her anymore. I have a number I could call, to see if she is around. Knoxville TN, where the hills roll with the sunset. And her two babies. Now grown Im sure.

I dont call. I have not spoken to her in 4 years or more. But there isnt a day that passes that i dont think of that ring being in My drawer. And tonight, I toom it out. Its blue, purple facets glowing in the light fromn the desk lamp. Is it an anchor in My heart? DO I let it sink into the depths so I can float?

I already know I will stubbornly fight any attempts to get rid of it. Once My mind is set, its set. Countless times have passed where I could have killed Myself. Those times came and went, with nothing to show for it, but some tears, some private thoughts, and I swallowed My feelings once again.

A man isnt a man unless he cries. A man cant be a man unless he feels something. His heart is a deep place. He can try and deny it to himself, and others but he does have weaknesses but pride keeps him silent. How could he let anyone see him buckling under the pressure of old feelings?

The thickest of walls, cannot contain what desperately needs to get out. That is when the floods begin....

I have no god to save me.

But I have this.....

*holds it*

This I have faith in. I know it will hurt me to hold it. To talk about it. To remember its here. But as Ive said before, and I will probably say again......love made this. To destroy it would be to destroy love in Me. I cant deny any love Ive given away. Nor can I push it away. There will be a time in My future that I will want to give it away again freely, and without regret. "She" will get a ring of her own. Yes, she will know of this ring. She will know why i keep it. Or why I can never let it go. If she cannot love me, with this ring in My heart, she doesnt really love Me. Because if she believes I love this ring more than her, she never really knew me to begin with. People dont run out of love......

if you have some selfish treasure you keep.....to remind you of that lost memory.....dont think you need to get rid of it to move on. Embrace it as part of you. Just dont forget to make new memories....