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6:07 p.m. - 2005-03-16

WHere does a tank of gas go from $23 to over $300?

I thought you would never ask.....but first a few stories...

Two totally unrelated topics. But they share similar undertones in regards to society, and interpritation.

"assualt weapons" and "sporty cars"

Unrelated right? Also opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of reactions you get from people if you ask about them. Want to bet I can make them seem more associated in a indirect manner which should scramble your noodle.

Take an ordinary car. Sedan, coupe it doesnt matter. Might be better if it was a Uber economy model to begin with. Wouldnt be caught dead driving it to a first date. Throw on a new paint job, lower profile tires, a weld on muffler tip, a body kit and voila.....pretty "sporty" eh? But it isnt a sports car now is it?

A ordinary semi-auto centerfire rifle. Wooden stock, iron sights. Pretty ordinary. No collectors value. Change the stock to a plastic folding stock with pistol grip. Add a flash surpressor, and maybe a banana clip. Action stays the same. Looks intimidating, but its still a fucking .22 caliber squirrel plinker.

If you want to "what if" this to death both are capable of death, or serious bodily harm. More people drive drunk than drink and go shooting. DUI's are responsible for more deaths than any shooting incident. Those are facts.

But looks are decieving sometimes. DIffering opinions will always be there. Ban this, revoke that. That tint is too dark, that clip holds more than one bullet. So when is enough enough?

Now, back to My day.

I had to get gas this morning.

Fate is a cruel, and ironic demon sent to make life interesting, lest you have a uneventful life. Is it a free public service? I dont really know, and Im not going to debate.

Driving to the gas station, pretty uneventful. Get gas, gas attendant doesnt tighten gas cap and I get cranky. MMMM.....do you sense the building suspense?

I get it closed Myself.....storm off after demending the right change for a $50 bill and not getting it firsthand. Yes, suspense....

In refueling My car I am forced to take a detour from My normal route to work. Not a big deal, Ive done it countless times before. But remember that building suspense? Left turn into a intersection. I am behind a work van. I keep a healthy car length or two distance from him and we both accelerate at equal pace. Around thirty miles an hour it appears before me like a iceburg before the titanic. But this was no iceburg. It was a crater.


"ass fuck part 1"

o_o

Pothole is too weak a word when its deep enough to cook pasta in. With the pot.

5 or six inches deep. Sort of roundish. Big enough for a tire. My tire.

BAM! (enter cooking jokes here)

I knew it did something as soon as I felt it. Bad enough I didnt see it until after the van passed over it . Much too late. I felt a wobble in the steering and knew there was a problem. The weird noise coming from the engine too wasnt a good sign. Was I pissed? Oh yes.....but the fun just begins there....

I said life was ironic didnt I? But how much irony is too much? Must a mere mortal man take it in the ass three times in one day?

This isnt the first time a county road has "eaten" a part of My car. Last was the two right tires, radiator, and headlights. That hole was a small grand canyon. Well upon inspection the left front tire was shot. To include the rim. Bent to hell and this is a problem. They are discontinued rims. It will cost $150-200 to repair the rim. An additional $100 for a new tire, and unspeakable funds to find out what is wrong with the engine now.

"ass fuck part 2"

I call 911. Maybe a pitiful attempt to cover My ass so I can try and claim damages from the county. Long shot but I am going to be late for work regardless. Im pissed.

"yes sir, we will get someone out to you just as soon as we can."

o_o

Now My town might be the corncopia of crime and depravity the state......but I knew I was in for a wait. I expected it.

An hour passes.

I know what you think, they arrive. No My friends. They dont.

I look in My mirrors to see a yellow truck, and men with shovels FILLING IN THE FUCKING HOLE WHICH SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!

I get out of the car, hands thrown out saying "you have to be fucking kidding me right?" They shrug and dismiss any blame. Im thinking this is just My luck too. WHere were they an hor ago when My tire still lived? Why couldnt they have shown up after the fact but not before the police had a chance to review My plea for recourse.

"hole? what hole?"

"ass fuck part tres"......but as we say in My home country "3"

I make a new phone call to 911.

"yes sir, you are in the system still, and are next in line we are trying to get a unit over there soon"

I watched 4 cars pass me over that hour or so. One did have an occupant in thye backseat, so I knew it was business as usual. But then another car passed an hour and a half after the incident. My hole gone, and My toes freezing.

Not 50 yards in front of Me he pulled into a parking lot. Guess what kind of parking lot?

No, not a donut shop. A carwash.

O_O I wanted to shoot things.....

20 minutes pass, and he slowly pulls out again and drives by. Boy was tht car gleaming.

I stew In My juices another 5 minutes when he pulls in behind Me. Motioning for me to come to him. SUre why not, Ive been sitting two fucking hours I might need the workout.

But I asked one question first.

"excuse me officer, Im just curious......but was that you who went to the carwash?"

"why yes, why do you ask?"

I bit My lip, and silently took it in the shitter a third time. Boy did I feel important today. It isnt everyday one can be fucked by the county three times and yet they are called "public servants". Like I ordered it or something.

I got My precious report. And I had the tire switched and I was off after a hour or so.

The moral of this story?

Gas is fucking expensive.

But I do have good news to report. Im wearing new work pants. So My ass is at least comfortable. Comfort is important.

Tomorrow Im going to NYC to watch drunk irish types make fools of themselves. And no, I wont be wearing green. I should be easy to spot.

Ni-Ni

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