Achy, chest congestion, nose on drip, and all the classic symptoms of flu again. Makes doing this job very difficult. I cant sit behind a desk and type. I cant stay indoors and take orders. I am in and out of the truck, hauling orders, and deposits. But it really is better than a desk, or staying indoors.

Seems like the days are flying by. Wasnt it just new years? Halloween? Damn. Passing to fast I think. Cant enjoy every agonizing second anymore like when I was a kid. Schooldays seemed to last forever. Now I pass a school and its like it was no biggie. Some days I even miss it.

About five or six inches fell here. Wasnt all too bad but nothing like last months drop of white lead. I was even able to simply drive over it out of the driveway.

Im really worried about money lately. Trying to forget about it doesnt work, and I shouldnt try to forget it anyway. Where the next paycheck is going to go. They say americans are 2 weeks from being homeless. Living paycheck, to paycheck. Yeah. I have never been more than 2 weeks ahead of anything. For as bad as things are now, I could have it worse. I dont have ALL the expenses some people do. Mortgage, children(big one) and such. But it is still a nightmare waking up to the feeling of being negative. In the red. Only balck Ive ever seen is in My underwear drawers.

I did entertain the thought of college. How much Id learn, and do there. But I work full time just to pay bills as it is. How would i afford school AND My expenses as they are already? I wont qualify for loans due to some of the problems I have. Grants, maybe, Scholarships maybe, but I havent done any educational material since I left highschool, early Marine Corp curriculem. I havet even taken SAT's before. I am way behind the power curve there. Kids half My age have a better shot at grants and scholarships than I do based on current learning curves as it is. I would have to relearn everything just to take SAT's. Tutors? Not on My salary. College? Ditto. The desire is there, the desire to make more money is there but I have already put Myself behind the majority. There will be those who say I could have gotten a college education while in the service. I have some words for them:

I was a 0311. Infantry. Rifleman. Grunt. My job was to train for war. Period. It didnt involve college education. I was always in the field. If I wasnt in the field I was on w working party. You see, grunts are treated as labor. A body to do work. I didnt have a regular schedule. I was required to be in the field with My unit. No classroom time. Even missed the US Marshall's exam because I spent 2 weeks in the field that month. There were no oppertunities there. No lateral moves allowed. Even if we reenlisted we couldnt change MOS.

GI Bill? It doesnt cover half of what you think it does. Barely covers the basic costs of community college and you get next to nothing in money if you are not a fulltime student. Which leads Me to My prior statement.

I work full time just to pay bills.

Kinda makes the head swell dont it?

So in a way I am jealous of those who can go to college. An oppertunity I wasnt given grwoing up. Living in a homless shelter isnt exactly a paved road to education. I couldnt work then either. Any income taken into the household regardless of the source was considered useable for other expenses. Meaning if I worked as minor, and was still a student......welfare would reduce benifits that exact amount and tell us we had to pay for more of our benifits. CAnt save money then can you? Its one of the many loopholes people dont get to see. Two steps forward, they drag you two steps back. You gain no ground.

I want to say that I am not always negative. Not always pessimistic. Words of encouragement are always welcomed. But I dont want to give the illusion that I never smile, or have a good day. Just alot of things overshadow them, and they are lost to the regrets of the past. I do carry a heavy burden with Me. But it is also that burden which makes me as strong as I am. I have fallen before. It wont be the last time. But what I write here is what I need to get out.

If I didnt "find" diaryland.....I wouldnt write how I feel, think, and act.

Such pent up emotions would be toxic. And it would lead Me back down the path of self destruction.

Im trying hard to find My way. Often the road I want to travel will be blocked. Even if other people are on it already. I am forced to find another way, to get to the same place they are going. SOme do have to work harder for less. But we are no less proud of accomplishment. SOme just take it for granted.

Hope your days are better than Mine.