And thinking to myself about how ironic certain events are. Certain realities you might call them. Played out as if it were all planned already. Ever wonder why most first loves fail? How something that felt so perfect, fell apart? Im starting to believe you have to get heartbroken at least once before you can fully respect, and enjoy what life has to offer. Otherwise we would take it all for granted. We wouldnt work at it, understand why it didnt work. Know how I realized this?

Driving home from the bar I used to work at, at such a unholy hour of the night. Knowing I have to be awake in oh......4 hours. I promised to go visit old friends. A couple bartenders, some regular customers I didnt have to throw out. It felt good to seem them again. And the low cut cleavage. O_O Erm......

I was feeling nostalgic there, and on the drive home. Old feelings make me feel warm inside. Like good times revisited. Carissa, bless her heart is a bonafide sweetie, but smokes way too much weed, and drinks like a sailor. But she is a smart one I used to play the best games of hangman with. "Woody" who's real name is a mystery was drunk as usual and a few others gave me man hugs from behind to say hello. Sort of like a choke hold, but without cutting off bloodflow. I missed them and others there. We agreed I need to visit more often. I think I will go there for My bday.

Im not good at touchy-feely stuff. How people I know can hang off one another so easily. And I feel some sort of invisible barrier there.

On the same topic as My beginning..... heartache teaches you things. But when we learn, we also change. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. Some people dont understand how I can be so distant when people like me. Take a chance they say. No, Im dont taking chances. I need a garuntee. Id take the sweet girl, over the guilded liar anyday. Looks mean nothing. I purposely push people away, try to make them feel like I am doing them a favor so I can save Myself from feeling too much. I cant protect them all, and I cant get attached to those I cant touch. In the end it will only hurt me if I do.

The best of intentions, the most sincere promises in the past have been broken. Maybe thats a reason im so pessimistic. I also believe thats why alot of us are so distant. Too many assholes have walked over us one too many times. Even a sadist can hurt. Im no masocist. I dont like to suffer, but usually I make Myself a martyr to the world. To Myself and My problems. I think when I can cast all that extra weight off, I will be a happier indevidual.

I want to touch...

I want to feel...

Someday I will let you hold me tight....

But I dont know for sure who you are yet.

If I let someone in. Allow them to care for me, it will be for the right reasons. Miss annabelle made a good point to me in discussion. People marry for the wrong reasons.

Indeed they do. A disposable society tends to throw more than garbage away carelessly. They throw away friendships, and relationships for no more than foolish pride. Selfish materialism. Marry and divorce for money. You kinda love this person so lets get married. You've been together so long, we have to get married.

Since when does love have a timetable?

I think, as long as certain needs are met, that should be enough. A wedding is symbolic. But it is also a legal contract. Some people just dont get it I think....

I didnt drive like a maniac tonight, but I did lead foot a bit. Felt good in a way to feel like I was flying.

I keep eating pizza I will have double D tits in no time.

Which would be a bad thing.

Remember love should never hurt. It should never feel like an obligation. But it doesnt have to be reciprocated, to be real.

On a final note I also seem to realize I tend to care the most for people who dont care for themselves. Just as I dont particularly care for me either. Can people who dont care, care for others? Yes. But there is no simple answer to that riddle. Nothing is ever so simple anymore. It isnt just black and white. Life is always full of extenuating circumstances, twists and turns. SOmetimes.......it just cant be rationalized. Logically speaking anyway. You know in your mind whats right and wrong. The heart knows. But the tongue can never speak the truth in it. The language is too complex. Perfect strangers can love one another. For all the right reasons. They never have to see the other to know someone cares. And there should never be a price to pay for it. More importantly, it should never stop.