powered by SignMyGuestbook.com

Jane Doe183 - 05/01/2012

March 14th - 04/20/2012

coming back....soon - 2012-02-02

Sickly - 2011-09-28

big changes - 2011-04-14

Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

4:03 p.m. - 2005-02-10

My throat looks like hamburger....

With pus pockets thrown in....

I wasnt in all that good a mood last night. At times I bring it on Myself. Its the pessimist in me doing it. Post-Catholic guilt maybe. Old habits die hard.

Lately Ive been saving optimism for others to display. More often than not I feed off of the energy others give off. Get caught up in a managerie of going's on, or things being done. The mood of a party is addictive. But so is a funeral. Which really doesnt say much except I am one of the intuitive bleeding hearts.

Sometimes I have been known to "milk" a situation to make Myself feel better, like a doctor milks a prostate. Practiced methods.

Hows that for a visual?

Im completely drained. being sick, and the work I did today, at the pace it was done did me in for the night. I dont plan on staying up much longer.

After I posted My entries last night I spent a good 40 minutes reading the profiles of the people who list me as a favorite. Why did I do this?

I want to see what they saw in me which marked me for a favorite. I will pretend that half of the list doesnt even come to diaryland anymore. Let alone post. So less than half actually return.

You lose your innocence, when you finally realize you're going to die....

The young have no reason to fear death (for the most part) and they dont really understand what it means anyway. To me death, is death. There is nothing after it for me. I dont believe in heaven, or hell. COnsequences for My actions here will simply remain with those who are left. I was going to say "left behind" when I realized what a concept that was. If I dont believe in heaven, or an afterlife......then they really arent left behind are they? Knowledge, learning, loving, and living cease when we die. Its the living who carry on and leave us behind. Im glad I cleared that up in My head.

I actually fear death now. Each day which passes is bittersweet. I fear getting older. Not for death itself, but for all the things I didnt do, because I was afraid to. Should've, would've, could've and didnt. Oppertunities dont multiply as we age. Not like you think they do. I dont see it that way. Remember, I look under the rocks....

I never dated in school.

I didnt go to parties in school.

I had few friends in school.

I didnt apply myself in school.

Just a few.....

I didnt apply for those jobs....

I didnt follow through with those goals...

I didnt say the things I felt I wanted to ....

I should have facilitated those I cared for more.

WHo knows where I would be now. I was even hired by a huuuuuuuge Stock Brokerage company. I was even enrolled in the series 7 courses. I could have been a broker. Circumstances werent the best, but I could have tried harder. I left the company in a week.

Took that NYPD exam. Now I wont go.....and how many people would call me stupid for doing so?

"wait for the Suffolk test" they say. Still police. Near impossible to get into, as they are the highest paid law enforcement in the country.

Everyone is motivated by money. I am not motivated by money like they are. I am motivated, by bills. Big diffrence. We all have material wants. So do I.....I'd be lying if I said I didnt. But all I see is bitter, spoiled rich people unhappy with their lives. But Id be happy if I could get just the things those same people take for granted.

I want to experience things. And maybe someday have a family. Before I die.

I dont want the world. I just want part of it you know?

5 people who actually read this crap

previous - next

This site is certified 100% EVIL by the Gematriculator

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!

BroadWave Streaming Audio Server by NCH Software.