powered by SignMyGuestbook.com

Jane Doe183 - 05/01/2012

March 14th - 04/20/2012

coming back....soon - 2012-02-02

Sickly - 2011-09-28

big changes - 2011-04-14

Get your own
 diary at DiaryLand.com! contact me older entries

8:02 p.m. - 2005-02-09

A second entry.....uh oh, this doesnt sound good.....

Im torturing Myself tonight, that must be it. Listening to things I know will make me depressed. Traversing the past, to the future. Unknown events which might have taken place, or are merely figments of the imagination. Who am I to say....

I lost a child.

Miscarriage.

Stress she said. She saw blood. She couldnt stop crying.

What if she lied to me?

What if there is a child out there, who doesnt know their father loved them?

Yeah, Im what if'ing it to death. But I cannot help it. You know? Some tearsoaked reunion years away. Or the it really was the cold hands of death. Least it didnt suffer right?

Old loves long since past. WHere are they? How are they doing without me? My guess is they are better off. Happier.

So many uncertainties. How many sunsets do I have left....

How many times must I wake up alone. Childless.

When does it start to make sense?

I envy people who believe they have it all figured out. They either fool themselves. or are really unaware how lucky they are.

How much I miss the innocence of childhood. What it was like to think the world was full of dreams to be fullfilled. Even when we were in the grips of extreme poverty.....I dreamed.

How naive I was, and still am to so many things. How badly I want someone to show those things to me.

It will take a soft touch.

How long will it take to feel like a man. To be what people see in Me. Or to simply realize it.

I dont know.

I want to...

When will I be able to control the emotions which swirl under the surface. Im not some troubled teenager anymore. What am I? The law sees me as a adult. Age is irrelevant when it comes to wisdom, and maturity. I am nearly 30. A baby to some. Ancient to others. One sees the lack of experience. The other wants to have what I do. They are both wrong.

Im so angry. The smile is merely a label I wear. Yes, I was joking about ripping your face off. But that doesnt mean I didnt want to.

"feleony assault" he said.

If thats the case, the list of the crimes I have commited, is a long one. A amourous bearhug is the least of My offenses. What if our thoughts were a crime?

They could only execute me once....

I need help to make the visions go away.

But I dont think that is really a logical, or reasonable request.

Who says this is supposed to make sense anyway.

Goodnight.

6 people who actually read this crap

previous - next

This site is certified 100% EVIL by the Gematriculator

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at DiaryLand.com!

BroadWave Streaming Audio Server by NCH Software.