Its cold.

My new webcam makes My computer freeze/blue screen of death/error this and that. I hate spending money on something that makes My life worse, you know?

I know its a software problem. Ive been dealing with electronics to know it isnt a hardware thing. Software is the soul of electronics. Hardware either works or doesnt. If anyone can unfuck this, I would prostrate Myself before you and worship the greatness that is your.............expertise. o_o

Not so flashy but oh well....

Just make it work.....pwease... (only pic I got to work before it pooped on me)

Im still pissy.

I was so worked up today I chewed the skin off My fingers.....

gross.

But its My skin.....

I might have given Myself cooties....

Maybe I should watch the drawer full of DVD's I have bought the last few months, but never watched. Movie night. Alone though. No popcorn, no fanfare, no kids in the corner trying to smoke weed in the theatre. Maybe someone having sex I wouldnt mind but I need something to occupy the brain and forget the shitty web cam of death.

Maybe its money troubles too loomin gin the distance which has me pissy.

But......

There is always a but...

I "should" be grateful for what I do have yes? Im not deathly ill. All My bodyparts work (somewhat). I am gainfully employed (yet underpaid HA! arent we all?) And I still get a hardon looking at girls. *thinks quietly to himself*

There are those worse off than I. Vast numbers actually. It is a human trait to covet things we dont have. Even when we have it all, we want more. Aquisition......the undoing of men and women alike. Animals dont covet like we do. They eat, they screw, and they sleep. Its a simpler life. They just provide themselves with it out of instinct. We on the other hand are the philosophical bastards of the universe. Hence, we fuck everything up with our own selfish behavior.

SOmetimes swimming against the current really isnt worth it, the direction of the flow never changes. And we burn oursleves out trying so hard to make change which will never succeed due in part to that selfish, human attitude we have. Humans are self distructive. it sickens Me to realize I am a aprt of a species which will kill the planet. Earth was doing fine before we showed up.

No, Im not getting green leaf on anyone. Im just saying.

I just went off on a tangent about being a greddy fucking species. The feces species....thats us.

Fucking web cam...*stares at it growling*

has anyone else fallen in love with a "perfect stranger" online before? The irony in that title clearly states a stranger could be perfect, because we want them to be. Like our interpritation of a book. Always better than the movie was. Why? We always see it in a better light than maybe it was meant to be. or.....we instill in it the things we want to see in it.

I have. I have fallen for people online. Its funny now because I was such a skeptic to begin with you know? How does one associate real feelings whith someone they never met? COnsidering the poor behavior demonstrated by assholes in chat rooms and the childish things they say, we often detach our emotions to deal with them. But we cant always do that now can we.....

Ive been asked "why do you like me?" or "why do you talk/care for me?" before. I thought the answer was obvious, like many other answers to questions Ive already analyzed in My head.

I sincerely believe I treat people who treat me with respect, and consideration the same way. A genuine reciprocated friendship is priceless. it shouldnt have expected rules. it shouldnt be paid for with favors. And neither should relationships. it has been My observation that dating is much like a business arrangement. An unwritten contract of expectations. When people of a certain age interact with each other, peer pressure maybe, or societies effects make us want, or expect to be treated a certain way. Why a man wont call a girl when he says he will. Why a girl expects to be waitied on hand and foot (romanced). I know we dont all act this way, but a large proportion of people do.

Why do we always have to add drama to things? Then we wonder why we are so wound up all the time.

"that guy wont talk to me, he must be a loser"

yeah, like its some weakness he has. Maybe, its you.......and your high and mighty attitude keeping him away.

Why do we let ego run the show all the time? If there is one thing I dont like.....is exsessive ego in men and women. I am often guilty of bashing Myself so many times it upsets people. I keep My ego low. There is a big diffrence between ego, and personality. I know what Im capable of. Saying I will break a guys limbs off for being an asshole isnt ego. Im stating this guy is in trouble if he doesnt shut up. I wouldnt flaunt a win. But I will satisfy My need to regulate his attitude problem. No ego. No pride, just action. The fact I wouldnt do so to embarrass him marks a genuine emotion to not do so to make Myself bigger. I dont do anything to impress anyone. Im done with dog and pony show bullshit. it just doesnt work for Me.

I think that ties in to what I said about people taking themselves too seriously. Im awfully guarded about alot of things. Im prolly guilty of it too, My image I think. I know I want to be seen as a genuine person. A trustworthy brute of a man. Yet Ive been called "teddybear" enough times to gag everytime I hear it. Im cuddly until you piss me off. There is probably truth to both sides then.....

As much as I try and fight it, I do take how people view me as a person seriously. Not how I look. Im so used to the scary stereotype that I actually look for it now. But when I want to, I show My sensitive, loves puppies and kittens side. I am a alpha and omega rolled in one. I want power, AND to be nutured too. I crave the night, yet seek the company of the sun. For as black as the clothes I wear make me seem. I cant hide the golden heart I bear. Just dont try and take advantage of it, or it too will turn black. And you will be erased.

I will make it hurt.

Not wanting to leave on such a dark tone.....

Whats that clacking sound when I walk?
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My balls of steel.....