I should be on "big blue" and Im not...

I had them come and get Me off the truck, and now im home.

I woke up late. I went online briefly, read some things, logged off.

I knew.....it was going to be a bad day. I even said so to My partner early on.

I had a coffee. It came out perfect today. Just the right amount of blueberry creme coffee. Perfect amount of sweetner. Perfect amount of ammaretto. And just the right amount of lowfat milk. It practically melted on My tongue. But I didnt enjoy it.

Todays route is My favorite. All the good stops with all the eye candy guy could want.

I have comfort zones I like to keep. Places I like to go, people i like to see. Seems stupid I know, but My partner took some of those away from Me today, probably innocently...but it was just a little too much for me right then.

"Im staying in the truck"

he looked at me, and said in a small voice "whatever"

When he was in the stop I radioed to take Me off the truck.....

"I feel sick."

They asked if I can hold on, or was it something I8 ate.

I lied.

"I wouldnt call unless I couldnt hold out"

I told My partner what I did, and he asked why.....

I started crying right then.

baby tears....

I felt like utter crap then. A bastard.

He really wanted to kno9w why I was so upset. Why My stomach was in knots.....

I couldnt tell him. I mean......how would he understand?

I was being very selfish. Very defensive. People dont know the luxury they have to read the thoughts I put here. It really is privledged information. I dont speak about any of this crap offline. I cant. You might think Im such an open person.......but nothing could be further from the truth.

I hurt so badly today. My throat swelled closed, I wanted to vomit. And My eyes burned tears. Unreasonable tears of need.

Driving home My thoughts were so jumbled, so loud to Me I found Myself actually fumbling with the volume knob on My radio to lower them. But they didnt go away....

How such a little thing could set me off....

Im not angry.

I feel helpless. Inadequate. Alone. Textbook depression.

Unreasonable concidering no one can understand why I act the way I do. Even I dont. Maybe I dont want to know. Maybe I really am a bastard. My expectations too high. Demands too harsh.

There have been plenty of open doors for me to walk through. Many people have given of themselves only to get cold with a open, yet empty doorway. I never walk through. All the good intentions in the world will never convince Me.

Id like to believe I have alot of patience. But it is selective. I really only can take so much as everyone else can attest.

Most recently.....I had the oppertunity to say something to someone. And I didnt. I regret that now. And realistically they are going to be punished for My....not their actions.

I really am a bastard sometimes. My selfishness knows no boundaries. When the mood strikes....it destroys everything.

Personal dilemmas had a small part to play in todays episode. A financial picture some would describe as "shambles". Shambles would be something to see. My landscape is having everything razed to the ground. Scorced earth beneath My feet, and Im naked to the wind. Id love to have shambles right about now....

I can figure everyone elses life excpet My own. Why is this?

How Im capable of making others happier, but I cant do the same for Myself.....or even see how I am able to do the things people say I do....

Where is the logic in this.....

Why am I so hard on Myself?

I compare Myself to everyone and everything. Constantly.

Hearing about how wonderful someone was.....

I die a little each time.

Assurances have always turned to lies....

Im not calling anyone past or present liars......circumstances simply transformed good intentions, or promises to lies. It is something I dont want to relive. Am I closed minded? Ive just been burned one too many times....

Even if it sounds unfair to everyone. Unjustified. Im predjudiced.....jaded even.....you were warned long before....

I am a pit. As much as I live in one of My own making.

I have no sides to escape from. there is no light down here. it can swallow you whole.....and I have no excuses for it being there. And some days I dont care.

Its the most selfish thing I allow Myself to do. Short of suicide. Shutting down emotionally.

It sometimes is My only defense. Because when Im upset.....I dont attack others. I always.....ALWAYS attack the one I can hurt the most.

Myself.

I chewed My fingers out of anxiety today. I bled.

I dont taste that good either.

Half a bottle of Maalox. Meds wont rid me of My headache or upset stomach.

I will put My big slippers on. I will cuddle with My red, velvet pillow. And I will dream of a world that doesnt excist. And I will bluff Myself into sleep.

I might even dream.