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7:39 p.m. - 2004-12-24

Never let it be said I am not without sentiment.......

You just wont like what I have to say.

Tonight is christmas eve. My Roman Catholic upbringing lets me know what Christmas is supposed to mean. What it is supposed to signify.

Birth...

Salvation...

new hope...

All wonderful things....

But you all know what is going to come now dont you...

I have none of those in My heart. Tonight marks the 3rd annaversary of My first suicide attempt.

Why should someone mark an occasion like that let alone remmeber it so vividly? WHy carry such burdensome memories with Me? Make new memories they say.....let go of the old, make new...

I have heard it already. I get no comfort in such empty promises....

I purposely remind Myself what it was to be in such low period. Bringing those memories closer I am reminded of what it was that also kept me alive...

Even in the direst of circumstances i managed to convince Myself there was indeed something to live for. Something worth waiting for. Even if it never comes. I will wait. What "it" is I am not really sure. Might be as simple as a new path in life? I wont put any more thought into that than I do the significance forgetting a hurtful memory might do for Me.

Those who forget the past(history) are condemed to repeat it.....

Fuck that....

Repeating third grade was enough....

I didnt come home last night.

Again.

Double, and triple shifts. A few hours broken sleep in a car so cold I was shivering the entire time. Ive not "slept" in three days now. And when I finally manage to pass out I will hopefully sleep through most of the merriment many make the holidays out to be.

There is no joy in christmas for me. Having cast aside My faith in religion I feel guilty when people wish me a merry this, and a happy that. I spent many a christmas eve waiting up to see if Santa came.....putting out cookies and milk hoping he would be extra generous. But we all know Santa isnt christmas. There is no holiday for me. I dont buy gifts. I dont expect any.

I feel empty...

And those faithful would tell me because I need jesus in My heart.

It is more accurately described as being in a group of kids.....and not being picked to play kickball. Turning the other cheek so the other kids dont see you crying as you walk away, pretending you didnt care...

I know how excited I felt as a kid. I lived for the tree in the house. The entire mood excited me. Now it is dead.

I dont mean to drag anyone down.

And I dont want anyone taking pity to lessen thier holiday spirit in worrying if I am feeling down or not. I am a perpetual pessimist/depressive.

I am sorry I make people feel compelled, more like obgligated to cheer me up. I feel like crap.

But all I want to do is cry, and have someone show me some kind of attention. Teach me how to feel, and to enjoy things again.

Actually its more like teach me period. I have a poor concept of what fun is, as My tastes run in a rather morbid, sadistic vein. Great for halloween.....shitty for everything else.

Yes, im being a complete party pooper. A grinch of epic proportions.....

But I really have no choice.

DOnt like it?

Suck My wee-wee.....

twice if I like it.

So I wont wish anyone a merry anything, or a happy this.....

Just stay safe, sane and dont eat too much fruit cake.

I KNOW there are people who gorge on that crap......

Just take it easy....

be well, one and all.

Ghost goes ni-ni....

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