Im nearly thirty years of age.

And I still think like a kid sometimes. Reducing everything to the lowest common denominator.....

There are countless Phsyc students, doctors who would call me a idiot for what I will say, but they can kiss My ass.

I know of others, and Myself who suffer from some kind of depression, self hatred, loneliness and regret. I remmeber what I used to do when I was a child. Maybe 2 or 3 years of age when I felt alone, needing company. It was a red, velvet pillow.

"pilly"

he was My best friend. he smelled good. He always loved me. I didnt feel alone when I had him.

A doll, a favorite toy....

We all had similar comfort items we cherished. Growing up changes the way we feel about things. Emotions change. Needs change....

But some things still remain....the need to be loved, cared for and comforted.

Attraction to another, the need to feel close to something never goes away. Even those solitary people have personal reasons why they choose a life of loneliness. Usually it was past heartache. Protecting themselves from future heartache.

When we want to feel comforted......and we fear rejection from the very thing we know will make us feel better it leads to distress. Depression. Self hatred for not "being good enough". Left out. Pilly never rejected me. But I didnt always have him to rely on. Childish needs dont satisfy adult wants.

I used to sleep all the time with him. Waking up next to "something, or someone" who "cares" is a constant in our little brains. When it hurts we need that comforting. When it isnt there.....we crumble...

Dont we...

maybe its a theory......or Im failing at really explaining thoughts I had earlier, and have been currupted by the workday.

But I still know I have some truth to what i say.

Wether its clinically correct or not....I want My fucking pillow back you motherfuckers....

or a soft, female substitute....