Shower time logic, by GOG:

WHy do we make our own personal suffering a object to be avoided by others? Why do we try and help others before helping ourselves? Using the mistakes we have made to somehow relate, or find solstice in depression and stress?

I have a theory....

Martyrdom.

Without realizing it we are sacrificing our own happiness to somehow justify desperate acts we commit to ourselves, or others. Suicide we sometims believe is the solution to us "being a burden" to others. No one can love us, why should we live? Any sacrifice, for unselfish reasons is being a martyr. Experience has taught me that I have done this countless times. Distancing Myself from others to "save" them from me. I cant coun t how many times I have turned away compliments, praise or advances from girls because I felt it was "in their best interest" to do so.

Was I right to do this?

How we feel, regardless of circumstance is important enough for people to show concern for us. Im starting to believe we should let them. We give up on ourselves way too easily, and call it "for the best" when it really isnt. Even though I cant take a compliment, I shouldnt stop someone from doing so, as it really is an insult to them. Their opinion does count....

I had a dream last night.

One where I was confronted withy a scenario which was a lose lose one. I was forced to draw My weapon, and kill two people attempting to rob me, and putting the lives of innocent bystanders at risk.

They were armed. Wearing body armor, and intent on robbing us in a building as the truck drove away.

Do I surrender My weapon and plead for mercy? I dremt I only found out they were wearing armor after they were dead. Who robs a guard with armor unless you expect to get shot at? I was being sued by their families for the loss of their sons. I had to defend Myself in court as to why i had to kill them.

The lives of the cashiers, and My fellow gaurd, and of course My won life were worth saving. I had to explain I didnt regret My choice to pull the trigger. Remorse and regret are two diffrent things.

Remorse for oneself when you are still alive is a bad thing. If people care for you, they do not want you to go away.....or to die with regret.

We will make choices in our life which will alter our future. There is no way of preventing events from unfolding. Being an alcoholic, drug abuser, criminal, or any other of the countless actions we can take. But we can change them.

I had to practice how to shoot men who would kill Me.

Practice.....

Meaning doing something over, and over until we get better at it.

Taking compliments, doing good deeds......learning to live life again....takes practice.

When all is seemingly lost....we simply forget that we are responsible for the things we do. We are capable of change. All is not lost. Even Me....the ultimate pessimist sometimes realizes there is a doorway just behind some bushes, rubble, or ruin. We simply dont look for it.

As final a outcome death can be.....

We cant stop living for the end. Living for livings sake is taking that next breath as a free spirit.

I will ride in a truck today, just as yesterday. I will eat lunch as I did yesterday. I am living even if it seems all I do is repeat behavior. But Im living it on My terms.

Your notes, are as always appreciated. I do genuinely care. I will more than likely never meet anyone from here. But I do care. My gift is tryuing to show people they re not totally alone. I do this to make My life fuller. it justifies My suffering too. To share. To let others see through My eyes. For the good and the bad.

Know that if some should leave, they will be missed. Even if you are bad.....(despite My threats of a spanking) you are still cared for.

And I will always be a blonde pervert with a cuddle fetish....

I still havent figured out My whole need for violence thing yet. I still smile at blood splatter.

And Brutus says hello.