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6:01 a.m. - 2004-10-03

To whom it may concern (actually I couldnt leave a note again, they turned it off),

Money doesnt solve problems. And Im not going to preach about that. Not now.....not to you.

You are not unlike many others I have met. SOme aspects of your life may and will be diffrent, alot is the same. it is the same where it matters.

You have led a life of indulgence. This is why people have called your life perfect. Charmed. One to emulate. I have no way of personally relating to your problems, as I life out My own problems. But the one thing I can do, is see your life through My eyes. Put Myself in your place.

I would feel scared. Helpless and more alone than I do now. I have few friends in reality. So to see people dying in front of me.....well. I dont know what to do about that either. There is no rational answer for someone like that, still living that sort of life. Clinical doctors in their infinate wisdom would have plenty to say because they think from an outside view they know better. To a small, minute degree they do. Abstinance. But from the outside, they dont have to personally deal with the pain, the hurt or the loss. That is where the term "easier said than done" came into play. They will never understand why people do what they do. they call it a sickness.

Human nature isnt an illness, it is a product of our enviorment, or thinking and responses. I have said this before, and time and time again. We are the ones who make our choices. And after a while the past results of choices make us complacent, and we fall into a pattern of behavior we cant see because it becomes normal after a while.

Just like a smell, even if its foul it begins to smell normal when we are exposed to it long enough.

The same can be said for abnormal conditions. Whats the problem? Nothings wrong....everything is just fine.....even as the names fall from view into graves.

Cancer, isnt a punishment.

Even innocent babies get it.

Only you can decide if you're guilty. You had oppertunities many of us didnt. And I think those you surrounded yourself with didnt help you by showering you with praise. if anything they reinforced this trend you followed.

I am sorry.

I believe some people deserve another chance. To make amends. Not because I think they will go to hell. But because I think they can heal themselves from the inside by seeing the good their new life can bring to others.

You try so hard to please now. To rid yourself of the bad. That My dear is commendable. Having people who love you, is something you can be proud of. They are priceless. They are the ones you will see even when all others pass into the yesterday.

This may sound selfish as well.....but I dont think you should quit on yourself. Even if you get weaker. Each day is something you will never have again. Each day is another oppertunity to fill just another small part of who you are.

On a side note.....I think your father's denail of a sickness was unfair. Even if he meant well. I would have wanted to have the choice to fight it or not. Im possibly just rambling now.

I see value in people where others didnt look to find it. I think thats why so many people read others diaries. To see whats inside. We are better than we realized but to expect people to say something in return.

If you shut your notes off because of Me. Im sorry.

If I wasnt supposed to even write this, Im sorry. I didnt intend to embarrass.

But I only write when I feel the need. When I feel its important. You, miss rain, are important.

Never forget that.

Goodnight.

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