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3:40 p.m. - 2004-10-02

I want to start this entry with I have a huge fucking headache....there I said it.....on with the show...

I have some answers for people I read. WHy do you think such horrible thoughts about blood?

I have found that negative self abuseive behavior is a way for us to justify our misery. Its symbolic suffering, turned into dark brown stains on your carpet. When no other outlet excists, we go to the last place we can, our own skin. I cannot count the times I have stared down the barrels of My guns to just "look" at the bullet shining down the dark hole at My face. I know its wrong. But I do it anyway. I have given up trying to fit in with other people. Yes, it still hurts to see normal people doing normal things, indulging in things I have never done. But I deal. Dreams surrounding the worst atrocities mankind is capable of have passed by My eyelids while I slept and I never once acted on them. Why do people see Me as the person I am? Scary at times, dark....brooding. Part of me believes its a product of My personality, forged in the fires of lifes trials and this is what remains. Those who see me as cute, cuddly, or adorable see only the tender bits I let show through. If you have read My diary you get to see those things. Remember not everyone does this in My small universe. SO fear is expected. Many of the people I work with have gotten married while working here, due to the large population of female bookeepers, and such we encounter in our trips. A single guy should be drooling at this, but Im not. I still see the negative things which have kept me single. I still see damaged goods, rejected for a reason. So to the blood soaked carpet I say this: Take things in stride and not too seriously, as it will only lead to misery. Not all men are the same. All these girls I would KILL to be with are here. I can say this all I want but I cant prove it to them. But we do live, and are just as burnt, and broken as you are. DOnt quit. Dont read shitty books looking for the answer, written by some asshole who slept around in highschool, college, and goes shopping for ass like I shop for broccoli.

You dont have to be perfect for someone like me to love you. Sincerity, loyalty, and trust go a LONG way girls. Knowing you will be there for us when we need you. Smiling at us. And meaning it when you say you love us. Fuck. Too many people put far too much drama into what love is supposed to be. Love isnt perfect. It isnt a fucking science experiment. It is what happens when two people connect with one another. Man, woman, gay or straight. A kiss doesnt have to mean forever. Sex isnt required for love. if a guy wants sex and you wont put out for fear he wont respect you, guess what. Just by demanding it he has proven that already. Drop the dead weight. if he is that fucking shallow, he doesnt deserve your atention. Unfortunately its that very problem women face when a guy pressures them for sex. They begin to feel physical attraction, or giving it up is the only way a man will love them.

Bullshit again.

If that were true then why arent I a serial rapist? I admit I can be a flirt sometimes. I do so innocently because I dont expect anything in return so nothing wagered nothing lost right?

All this thought from a pervert right?

My perversion, ladies and gentlemen stems from the fact that I have a pair of working testicles. I love sex. I love women. I daydream about women all day long. In so many ways its rediculous. One doesnt have to be a manwhore to be a pervert. I take what I can get and be grateful. The diffrence between me and the larger portion of the male chromosome group is that I dont take an offensive role in seeking women for sex. Im ashamed to admit but I think if I deserve sex it will come to Me. Is that arrogant? I dont think so. Ive slept with two (2) girls My entire life. They meant something to Me. I wouldnt trade a friendship for a one night stand anyday.

I find the girls who have had problems, dark pasts, and are on the edge themselves particularly attractive. The way they dress, speak, talk and carry themselves is what makes me take notice. The best body in the world will get nothing but a glance. But if you can make me remember you, and dream about you. Thats when I fall. And I can fall hard for people who dont even realize it. I dont give complimenhts lightly. I dont tell girls they are pretty to make small talk. And beauty can be judged in many ways. Less is sometimes more, in many ways.

I refuse to be the pigs some men are, even if it means less meaningless sex.

All those articles written by "experts" didnt take into account people like Me, or the girls who seem to be so heartbroken about why they arent "accepted" by said sluggish men and their overconfident penises. Experience is measured in time. Doing something for many years doesnt make you an expert. You can do something for 20 years and be considered experienced. But doing it the WRONG way for 20 years makes you nothing but an expert at doing it the wrong way.

COnsider the source ladies when it comes to love. Or relationships. There is such a thing as unconditional love. When you look in the mirror as I do, remmeber this......love is indeed blind.

Now that the heart felt mushy stuff is out of the way....

Who wants to get spanked first?

7 people who actually read this crap

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