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8:03 p.m. - 2004-09-12

Specializing in a diffrent breed of pessimism, here it goes:

I was that fat bitch who sat near you in homeroom that had permanent PMS. One diffrence. I can bodyslam you.

I am overly sensitive, like some water retaining she beast with the unibrow. Its no wonder My moods are so erratic, and unpredictable. But also I think extreme and far from normal. Today I was really in a shitty mood. Alot has been going on, not all of it good either.

I tried updating yesterday after a very rollercoaster like flow of thoughts and emotions. But it came out sounding incoherent and I eliminated that source of depression with help from a computer glitch.

Mom in fact needs surgery. I was told today. Its a simple procedeure I think, a pacemaker. And it will stop her heart rate from dropping below life sustaining levels or jumping to 180bpm by simply walking a few steps.

It isnt My fault I have the sensitivities of a woman (sometimes) or the violent tendencies of an axe murderer. I dont get hugs. I dont get anything which would soften the very fire which burns Me from the inside. Cartoons dont help either, but are fun to watch.

I am defective.

Somewhere My warranty had been violated.

I cant be returned.

I cant be fixed.

And Im so fucking tired of the way things in My life tend to go. Things I have no control over. Things I would like to have some say in, but do not. And although I never say these things out loud I do so here. Im giving up.

Im not going to try anymore.

Everytime I try, each time I go down a particular road something shitty happens.

Dont know what I mean? Maybe your not supposed to.

It always happens this way:

They find me. Small talk ensues. I am found to be humorous. Maybe even remotely attractive. Friendship. If luck is against them maybe even romance. Then it finally reveals itself as the pile of shit it can be.

It ALWYAYS fails. I definatly have the worst luck. Ghost in small doses is fine. In moderation. But undiluted I am some sort of poison. Even the best relationships I have had, end in the other silently distancing themselves. Im not blamed of course, they blame themselves. That of course is bullshit. I knew better and yet I let it continue knowing full well something was going to happen again. I am too nice for My own good.

Things were simpler when I was in a shell. yeah, I longed for something, anything but you know what.......nothing hurts worse than having the very thing you always wanted, then having it taken away, time and again. Its an addiction I can never stop. But one I can never indulge in for it causes too much pain for Me. Just when I think I can function I slide back down again. For no apparent reason. Im tired of it.

There is a very good reason I am alone.

Tonight in My mothers hospital room a old woman was in the bed beside her. She saw me and was commenting out loud how big I was.....like I was a bouncer, or a police man. Asking if I had a girlfriend. I blushed silently, and admitted I did not. She asked why. I couldnt answer.

I dont have rational answers for anyone. For the reasons I have are only understood by Me. I dont have to justify My reasoning to anyone. They dont live in My skin. They dont see the eyes peering at them when their back is turned. How it burns into the soul knowing those people think the same things about me as I pass. So I stare right back as My eyes pass over them. Right through them, and I dont care anymore.

I love talking to people. And sometimes Im given an oppertunity to talk. Some even ask My advice. Its a touching compliment for someone to ask for something like that. Now, shouldnt they question the validity, or the quality of the advice given by a man who has seemingly failed in every given oppertunity he has been given thus far? I too question My character, and ability to guide people.

"when the student (slave) is ready, the master will appear"

Hmmm....

I shouldnt even really be as availible as I am. SOmedays I question the reason I try too hard to make Myself availible.

I saw new faces at work today. Pretty faces. And I got angry. I didnt realize I did this. But I get angry when I see a pretty face.

I am defective....

I dont belong here.

And I need to find out why......

Or go away completely. For the good of society.

No time has the thought of being cooped up in a truck away from peoples eyes made so much sense, and brought some small peace.

Im going to shut up now.

3 people who actually read this crap

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