And for reasons unrelated to this newsflash: My mom is in the hospital. Again.

I had such a vivid dream last night.. One which has been recurring sometimes nightly, but I refuse to finish until today. I need to throw up, and Im about ready tp pass out from the will it took to write it down, and feel as I do.

"a dream letter"

Written in a small marble notebook. There is only one person on the planet, in the universe who knows what this book means, or signifies to me, and they no longer read My diary.

I dont show this emotion in public. Outside of My brain. Sometimes what I write here is only what lies beneath the skin. Sometimes My sense of humor shines through and you get a better view of what someone might see face to face.

What I wrote just moments ago, all 18 pages of it took effort. I struggles to write each word as clearly as I could. I dont pick up a pen unless its important.

The last time i wrote a letter, it was only 6 pages long. And I checked Myself into a mental ward the week following when it came back to me "return to sender".

I can only take so much. For as strong as I sound sometimes, I am still but a man. Human. Plagued by thoughts I wouldnt burden on anyone else. Im usually the one asking others for their troubles. So I suffer alone.

My letter......means something. is it a turning point? A message? Do I even send it and face another rejection, or possible bought with terminal depression? Layman might read that as a bought of suicide.

Something I promised I would never do. Promises dont stop it from playing over and over in My head. Even if I will never act on them. Its the thoughts which haunt Me. Especially the reasons behind them.

Im not trying to burden anyone. Im not looking for pity, or remorse. Please....dont give me either. I only feel worse.

And to whom the letter is addressed......

You most of all should never feel bad for anything written in it. I had to write it. It was a poison which laid dormant for far too long. If I didnt purge it, I would be cursed to go the same route I did before. I try not to make the same mistakes again.

Im sorry.

I wished I could prove it.

But you wont let me anyway.