Im in a most peculiar mood. Needless to say nothing is going My way as expected. Delays, silence, lingering doubts. Those not being associated with one another.

Im still in pain. Im still alone. No one talks to Me. But I fit in My pants.

Change is never easy. Nor does it garuntee happiness. All the good intentions and planning in the world can still fall through. Im trying not to let things get to Me. Im trying not to read in between the lines. Im even trying to maintain My sanity. All the while taking baby steps to a diffrent tomorrow. I didnt say brighter, as I hate the sun anyway. But I am changing.

Ever get the feeling something really important is going to happen, you're waiting and waiting and after a while you realize you have been waiting in vain. What you were hoping for, will never happen. The effort you put in, time spent, and in the end you are left with less than what you started with.

Thats how Im feeling lately. Like everything I have done has either been forgotten, put aside, or not good enough. And this has to do with everything. For all My "progress" in some areas, Ive slipped off the brink in others. And guess what? My losses are greater than My gains. If I were a corperation......I'd dump My stock as quick as .....well.....Im not going to say anything about that....

Im trying. Maybe too hard.

Something can only be pulled in so many directions before its torn to peices.....

Bullets, blood, and bullshit....

The Olympics are over. Im actually saddened by it. It gave Me hope, and motivation. There isnt much which can do that nowadays. But enevitably something will act as a surrogate to fuel My dreams. The truth in that statement is it doesnt have to be a good thing which replaces it. Depression, and emptyness can fill that void which has on occasion led me down a spiral. Ironic that it happens around the upcoming holiday season. A time of year which bears nothing but bitter memories for Me.

"make new memories" people say.....

what the fuck do they know....they have what they need with them already. No clue what it means to be burdened with the past. If I was like all the rest and forgot what it meant to be alive.....I would kill Myself. One thing Im not is shallow, and forgetful.

My life changed 3 years ago. It left the plane of travel it once had, a rather innocent and conservative path. It took lies, and all the things we hate about one another, to throw me far, far away from the safety of the rock I hid Myself under.

I want to pose some questions.....open ended ones....to any who read this....

Do you feel as though sometimes....people purposely push you out of their lives and spite the friendship you once had?

Do you find yourself second guessing every choice you make, and feel miserable when you cant decide?

DO you fear leaving the safety of complacency, and repitition for the unknown that is change....

Do you even know who you are?

Im not being deep...

But I do sit around and question every fucking thing Ive ever done, said or knew...... and searching for answers they say are within really isnt helping Me. Outside perspective......

Experience.

Open minded thinking...

Answers arent what I seek. Its experience, and consequences Im looking for. If I do this......what will happen to Me? Is there a happy ending? Will "they" notice? "Will I find what Im looking for if I do this?

Im a slut for details. I crave information. Bieng a intellectual whore isnt a crime right?

I always try to hit on topics......then shyly skirt away from them. Extremely sensitive subjects. Personal subjects. Like how many creases does her asscrack have......

I had a stimulating conversation with a man named Tom today. I like this man. 20 years My senior we have alot in common. He is a Single parent. And he made me laugh today with a joke which goes like "NAACP means: negros are actually colored polacks" and I nearly died laughing. It was funny......specially since he is black.....

Anyways.....