Fuck.

My mind is a jumble, not like thats anything new, or exciting. Fuck you.

Im perceptive, empathic, sensitive, and selfless. Bold, insecure, scared. Unsure....

All these things....conflicting in My brain. Confusing me to tears.......wondering why it is I feel and think the things I do. I can reach out and know exactly what someone is feeling, but I fear My own feelings more. For they are the things which complicate My life the most. Make me say, and do things I shouldnt. Those things I do usually arent in My best interest, or those I intend to help. The best of intentions can still kill. For that Im sorry. I cant but be who I have always been.

This diary.....is a glimpse of what is underneath My armor. Beyond the layers of skin. Harder than the thickest stone. But this armor....is as much a part of me, as the sensitivity I let shine through. I dont have to let it through. Often I am a wall of black. And all people can do is wonder....who, what, why I am the way I am.

I changed My profile. Not the diaryland one. Not everyone needs to understand the things I say. I have said this time and time again, I keep secrets I desperately need to scream out loud. But dont. Instead they reverberate inside My head causing Me pain. I cant even write them down anywhere. And I can never let them slip past My lips.

It hurts.....keeping secrets...terribly.

"those who fail to remember history, are condemed to repeat it"

This includes personal history as well.

Torment, and torture. Fueled by secret things hidden deep inside. Wants, not for me but sometimes for others. Ultimately I sacrifice everything, including blood for something I believe in.

When Im alone, I am selfish. When I am in a crowd of strangers.....I am selfish. Being as such I keep the power of influence firmly in My hands. But everynow and again.....I give that power to others. Because I trust them. Confide in them. Love them as only I can. There are people who have no idea the lengths I would go through to secure their wellbeing. In My eyes all fall under the mantle of protection I offer. For I am a facilitator. I feel the need to make things happen. But I am selective. Silently challenge me with a glance and I wouldnt flinch if lightening struck you down.

Rambling, as I always do. Trying to sort out, understand and contemplate what My thoughts are trying to tell me. Sometimes what I write has a bigger impact on Me than on others.

I have learned.....that we are products of what we read and see and hear. Since I have been writing here, My intellect, and skill in putting thought to words has improved. I express Myself more clearly. And I begin to make sense of all the cloudy ideas which once were unanswered questions. Not bad for a blonde....

I really am in a transition. A change which I cannot stop, nor would I try. I dont know what will happen. I see no further than tomorrow, but hope for the foresight to make the choices I need to make to make the most of the time I have left. Rather cryptic.....but reasonable to say.

I have but moments to make My mark on the world. Ive wasted too many moments sitting by watching. My transition is change in motion. Some bumps. Ok, alot of bumps. But movement has momentum. And I plan on running over any opposition.

I am starting to live.......finally.

But I will always have that fire inside dying to get out. Grant Me the strentgh to understand and control whatever it is.

I should have been asleep......goodnight.