I recived another summons today. In the mail, and I feel like jumping off a building and impaling Myself on a light post. It makes you feel so....shitty and worthless. There is really nothing I can do, except go through with whatever it is. Its days like this which make Me want a completely new life. Or to end this one.

Now that Ive looked back a little, and examined some things.....things are actually shittier than they were a few months ago. Bordering on complete crap even. The job Im in dont cut it. I owe moeny for practically everything. I mean we all have debt, but alot of Mine is ridiculous. Several years ago I had a great job. $50-60,000 a year. But no days off. I actually had to put Myself in debt to get that job. Needed reliable transportation (car/car insurance/new clothes) and of course I left that due to mental anxiety and stress. A quarter the pay but less stress, then 9/11 hit and the market fell and I was taking home $60 a week paychecks. Then came My stay in the mental ward. No work for 6 months. And bills up the ying-yang. Which basically adds up to a shitload of problems.

I havent been able to recover since.

Medical bills, credit debt. I barely am able to pay for My car. Now this shit. Im really frustrated here. Debt collectors make you feel like crap. If you dont pay them all the money owed right then and there they say your "refusing to pay". SOme of the bills are DOUBLE what I origionally owed due to increased fees.

"can you borrow the money" (meaning from family)

How the fuck do you ask family for money for that? Are they that fucking ruthless? I couldnt work for a company like that. Ive been in this position and I cant justify being an asshole as I know there is such a thing as extenuating circumstances. Im not a scumbag. But you wouldnt think so by reading My credit report.

I know Im not the only one in trouble. In recent years more people than ever are finding themselves in the same boat. WHo's to blame? Part of it is indeed My fault. But there has to be a better way.....there has to be. Without selling My internal organs.....