"an open letter"

you know who you are,

I lay here at night thinking about things I know about the world around me. How I relate things to others and how I experienced them. And then I look at how those I know around me relate to things.

Then I watch how you deal with them. And what I see bothers me greatly. Giving in to the whims and thoughts of others or society because you hope it will bring you answers, or peace of mind. you are grasping blindly at a direction that will never grant you the answers you want. I stare from across the miles wondering how your doing it, why your doing the things you do.

I see that I had more strength in those same type of moments than you did. is it weakness? The crying out of need being unfullfilled nd you so desperately want more than the share you have been given? I too have felt this exact same way. Having been the object of ridicule all My life I know only too well the cruelty of others. Have grown in its toxic enviorment, and built up a defense to it. Ignorance. Denial. Self hatred. But concidering My trials i see what I dealt with to be normal, for me. Circumstances make us do extraordinary things, but it can also make us do shallow, and acts of weakness as to tear down all the accomplishments we held so dear before.

You are stronger than you think yourself to be. I know you are. I have seen your greatness where you have not. I dont look for the same, empty traits most make out to be the reasons people love someone. If I too felt as they all did what makes you think I would hve been any diffrent than the rest? I have stood by where the others have ran away, because they could not handle reality. It was too much for them to deal with.

It was far easier not being cared for, being the spot on the wall. Out of the gaze of those who could cause me the greatest harm. I seperated Myself in My head from all the rest.

As time passed I eventually let someone in. Inside My head, and My heart. I believed as you believed. Felt the self worth, the caring, the nurturing, and the connection. The comfort of another person. Until the same person took that comfort away, and left me dangling for dear life....

How could it be holow like this? I gave them everything. How could they? What did I do wrong? How can I make them love me again? I know I can, I know I can make them see I was just as wonderful now as I was then......

It was never you. It has been and always will be the weakness, and selfishness of others that will bring the greatest pain. From such lows.....to the dizzying heights of the heart.....coping with the loss of something greater than yourself is often too much weight to bear. And we lose the fight to take the next breath. Ohhhh, many times have i stared Mr. Reaper in the face hoping for a swift and certain end. But Im still here........why?

Simple. I know there has to be others like me out there. At least in spirit. the odds arent so great that I couldnt meet them eventually. All that has been thought of before, is out there. Waiting to be shared with others. So as diffrent as I think Myself to be, unique and exclusive, I can bet that someone else has felt as I have. Been oppressed as I have. And died a thousand times as I have too. Im not alone. That is worth living for.

My waiting is little consolation to a heart that needed more than friendship over great distances. It offered little comfort, little promise. I know that not being there when it hurt most is what led you to someone who took advantage of that need. They filled that void which was left behind. But I feel somehow the hole in which I left is a big hole to fill.

If strength could be bottled and given to someone else, I'd have done so long ago. Because sitting by and watching things unfold as they did was harder than I can describe to you. I hate waiting. I hate not being able to do anything about it. For as much as I hope things work out, I still for the most part secretly dont work out. I cant help but be jealous. I see the worth which you have and the great things you bring to people around you.

I know I can take care of you better than they can.

I can make the pain stop.

I am the rock on which you can build.

All I ask is that you believe in Me, and I will never fail.

Some promises dont need to be broken. Or be empty. When someone makes you feel obligated to trust them.....its going to be bad in the end. Your going to be hurt again. No one should make you believe them. Trust should be earned. Love, should be earned. Not assumed its there because your a couple. if your in a relationship of "convenience" then it realy shouldnt even be a pairing. Someone, or both are going to get hurt. Then who is to blame? It was a mutual connection. Both are guilty, even if one truly meant for things to work. Even if it was because all they needed, was to feel like someone cared.

Materialistic, cold selfish people walk over the good intentions of others. The only reason no one stops them is we dont see it for what it really is. We let them do it. Maybe if I do this, they will like Me. Maybe, if I give more then they give me, I will be loved. And of course when it isnt reciprocated, we die a thosand deaths. Deny we saw the signs. Denied the reasoning to ourselves. But we knew deep down what was going to happen. But for those moments of bliss, we didnt care.

Perhaps Im reading into things far too much. Seeing things others dont want to admit to. But it has to end somewhere. There has to be more to this. Why is there so many unrealistic, seemingly more popular people out there than Me? WHy do they have what I could only dream about? Is being heartless or selfish the real reason they succeed? Is that the mystery to it all? I fail to see the correlation, or the grounds for such reasoning. I just think they get more press, or atention then the rest. Same reason the moron prom queen gets the stronger, yet dumber, shallow prom king. Their kids are the ones giving the rest of us the hard time. And laughing in the process. Personally, the prom queens gets knocked up and gets thighs like a cow, and the prom king gets caught with kiddy porn. Least in My version they do.

I dont really know where Im going with this. But some things needed to be said. Even if they do reflect only what you thought in the past. they still have relevance. Importance. And Im glad I said them.

Dont settle for less than you deserve. What you deserve is far greater than what the social elite have taken from you. Take it back.

Best regards....