On My way to the bar this evening I had a small debate with Myself about a facet of religion. When we die, christians all believe we go to heaven. This being the case those who comit suicide are exempt from this privledge. Is this another way christians or any religion controls your beliefs by putting restrictions on your morality. Your destiny.

"oh no you cant do that , you'll go to hell."

Its amazing how many diffrent views there are about the same actions, or destinations when we die. Muslims get virgins and paradise for suicide. Christians go to hell. No, I know these were "put down by God/Allah/whoever" to some prophet, or holy man and its their way or the highway. Im not looking to damn any one religion here, Im just in a pissy mood and sometimes the irony, and complete "do as I say, not as I do" mannerisms by some religious factions. Just one way blind faith can lead to trouble.

Yesterday sucked ass. Work was long, and boring. The bar was well......slow and boring all night. There were emotional, tear soaked reunions by ex coworkers (not Me) and the usual bar/drunken drama unfolded. But I didnt leave bitter. Tonight is an exception.

I was tired to begin with. Off fro the sports store but went in early to the bar. Made small talk, made My rounds. Even My parents and bro and sis came at one point early on. I wasnt pissy at that point, and was letting things develop as they went. When I ca I just let things go......and usually seem laid back. Remember when I bitched about doing all the work? Well, despite My talk with the bar owner. SOmeone decided to become a bitch when the bar closed. She made it out to seem like I promised to help clean, and now I was whining.

"oh just stop the fucking tough guy act....you and your handcuffs...."

I bit My tongue so hard it bled. She is 5 ft, 100lbs. What was I supposed to do, break her? I did some cleaning, and then washd My hands of the rest.

This girl, refused to clean bathrooms, or get her hands dirty. Up until closing she was quite pleasant. But she tried to make it sound like I was the one complaining. Fine.....

I will speak with the owner tomorrow. My nice days are over. Last call will sound, and I will epmty the bar. They will have My shift pay ready and I will leave after the last customer. Im not helping them any longer. Im done with the crap. When Im not there bartenders are responsible for cleaning anyway. I am there to maintain order, and proper aged clientele. My services as barback/cleaner are over. The aggrevation isnt worth the extra $10-20 I get for "helping out". It takes them nearly 2 hours to count the drawers. I cant sweep the fucking floor until all the stools are up.

"can you hurry, I'd like to get out of here" she said after I had already done all the tables, and most of the counter.

Thats when I tried explaining to her Im not a custodian. She mouthed off instead. Fine...

I was a fucking bargain, doing the work I did for the pay I did. Bar owner wants to fire Me for not helping clean, FINE......

But I will feel bad for the bartenders who did understand. Who did take care of Me. Money doesnt cover My aggrevation no matter the amount.

An act she called it. Im all an act.

hmmm...

Despite My weight loss.....30lbs as of this morning..... Im still 270lbs. A 270lb, ex marine with Martial arts training, but its all an act. What the fuck am I even doing being security if Im just an actor. I wonder.....dont you?

I curse the society we live in where little fucking morons think they can mouth off and say whatever the fuck they want because they are "protected" by laws which weaken our society. 100 years past she would have been beaten for her lip. Yeah, Im a sadist. Yeah, Im a Marine. I hate being conflicted.....and if anyone thinks I need mental help for wanting to rip her liver out..... dont read My fucking diary anymore. If you all think Im "acting" do me the favor.....drown yourself. The world will be better off.

Either take me seriously, or stay the fuck out of My way because Im not going to take your crap.

if the mood of this entry escapes you, and you still feel I need serious treatment for agression, go fuck yourself. And while your at it kill a few people and take some more idiots with you.

All aside the nights activities were enough to challenge any bouncer. And I kept My cool. But remember.....that to may be an act....