I slept in late, ate a protein bar around noon. And listened to music for three hours. Id say not too shabby for a day off thus far.

I know depression is not My prison I sit in alone. There are countless souls in that very hole with Me. This little ramble is for you....

Much time has been spent reafing other peoples troubles, seeing how I relate to each and every word. The lostness, endless guessing of where it will stop, how can I change My life. There is really only one good rational answer. One day at a time. No one ever said drastic change will make that much of a diffrence as we as humans are creatures of habit. Consistancy is comforting to us. Most who dont agree generally like rapid change and are rarely depressed. Its the ones who have lost their consistancy, be it a love, a job, a home. Those are the ones in need of help, and answers to those questions. Then there are exceptions to the rule. Those who have been in a bad place either mentally, emotionally and need a change. But what to change?

You are not a bad person, even if you believe you are indeed horrible. I have felt that way for most of My life and its now years later Im realizing Im not what I thought I once was. I have managed to keep the bad feelings, and irrational ideas in My head and not act on them. I know you have thought of doing horrible things to others who have caused you grief. But more importantly to yourself. Why punish the one who is already being punished? Doesnt make sense does it....

Fears, nightmares and circumstances are rarely rational. Like phobias which keep us firmly anchored in a bad situation. I havent changed many aspects of My life for such reasons as well. Fear. I fear change, and unusual circumstances. I like having control in My life. Especially because I had no control growing up. Choices were made for me, opertunities stolen away. I make choices carefully now. Cautiously. For fear of rejection, regret and failure. No one wants to be seen as a failure now do they. But I have learned making small changes in the right direction can often make the way clearer for future choices.

I started a diet over a month ago. I am well into double digit weight losses and still losing. For once in years I can see Myself wearing smaller clothes. Possibly being closer to people seeing me as more than just a large thing wearing black. I might be more apporachable, and appealing to little girly types. Each meal I eat brings me ever so closer to a goal I set for Myself. Some days are easier than others, but I wont quit on Myself. No one can make these changes but me. My next step will be trying to find beter work, and maybe go back to school. Im jealous of the successes of others, and the stories I hear of college life. I dont want to miss out on those little things. Small steps......in the right direction can and do make a diffrence. Its taking that first step which is the hardest.

In a bad relationship? Love isnt supposed to hurt, its supposed to heal. If the one you share a bed with, doesnt respect you, they never will. Leave before they take what little you have left inside. You may miss the attention, the love they think they are giving, but in reality they are giving you nothing....

When people look at you, what do you think they are seeing? All your flaws? I know thats what I think they see. Even the ones which are hidden from view. The person we see in the mirror doesnt have to be the ones people around us see. Opinions Ie learned do vary, and thanks to some caring, and respectable voices in the world. I believe the compliments I have been given, here and elsewhere. We really are better than we feel we are. A hard lesson to learn. One which really is hard to see. I have read peoples emotions in text. And I have faild to see one bad soul amoung you. If My opinion matters......then believe me when I say, you are are all special.....

Small steps, believing in ones self, and staying the path can make those cloudy days a little less dismal.

Be like the reed which bends in he wind, for if it believed it couldnt take the winds abuse, it would surely break. Things can only hurt you if you let them. I wish you all well...

GhostOfGor