Im off today.

having slept in, and frezing My toes off. The burner (oil burner) is past overdue for a cleaning, and we need more fuel. We are out. SO its damp, cold, and no hot water in sight. We cant get it looked at "without a service contract" some put it. In other words we need to buy thier oil, their prices or no dice. thats exremely fucked in My opinion. Its blackmail. Risk fire, and cold if you dont pay us what we want. Fuck you assholes....

Today is hangover day. An unscheduled halt of functioning braincells due to overdoses of lime, and Corona. Damn....we need those brain cells....

Today, being just a drop i the bucket of life for me.....I find it at forks in the road as usual. Do I go out and risk My life driving? Or do i stay home and freeze My toes and fingers off? Oh the poosibilities make me pine for a better tomorrow. One which may, or may not come. I could have a stroke, or a heart attack, or explosive gas and My liver could be flying through the air in a great explosion......

or I can go back under the covers, back to My dreaming.

I dont have any money to go out....or to make fun. Things I would do in a heartbeat are not availible to me. So I excist in the small universe inside My head.

People say the expression on My face is hard to read. Often they think Im miserable (which sometimes is true) but generally I lie and say Im alright, when in fact Im screaming from My pores. Its a never ending ordeal, each day spent in self reflection, and depression. We wake with it, it is carried along with us, and follows us around until we slumber once more under a blanket of our own making. No wonder dreaming sometimes can be frightening.

We all do it.

I dreamt I was rich. (go ahead, laugh with me) I imagined what I would do if I did indeed have riches. I would go to college. Build My family a home. Pay off debts. Make sensible investment choices, and make the person I see when I close My eyes, appear when I look in the mirror. Because they are never the same person. No that I would get plastic surgery. But the whole person would change some. My diet is one thing Im doing for Myself, and no one else. I will stop when Im satisfied with what i see. But lifestyle changes. Few people take a man seriously, when he has nothing to show for himself, despite the confidence he portrays. I have confidence in things I have positive control over. I know what I can, and cannot do in My little universe. But when it comes to others, those outside My sphere of influence there is naturually going to be doubts. I as the salesperson I know I am can sell just about anything and be confident they will buy it. But one thing Im not good at selling, is Me. Im not afrid as I once was to talk to people. Not nearly as shy. I hold My head high and stare people down. The marines are partially to blame. But its a good thing.

All the good things people say..... Ive not yuet found a way to wrap that all up and present it as a package deal. Here I am....who wants me.

I probably wouldnt know what to do with Myself if it ever did happen. But it is just that remote possibility, which makes me smile some days. So each inch I crawl alone will be counted later on, when its all said and done. This is what Ive done, this is who I am. I wont have any regrets then, because few men can walk the line Ive drawn for Myself. Do the things Ive done. or denied the things I have put aside that so many have embraced.