Im always at odd with My own head. Things I see, or things I dont see change the way I view details alot. Even innocent words are often skewed or read into a little too much. I cant trust My own eyes or My dreams. FOr sometimes My dreams are the things showing Me My worst nightmares come to life and we wake coveed in sweat and crying.

We all do it....

Dream the perfect life for ourselves...

Look into the future to see where our choices will take us. But when I do it I know deep down I will never get to see it happen. Its too unrealistic, too unattainable. So you can see where dreaming is a punishment at times. Why we become so bitter that is oozes from the pores and infects those all around us. That acrid stench of denial and lusting. Im not going to lie and say Ive never attained nothing from dreams. But most of he things I have gained were merely materialistic wants. Nothing of substance or merit. SO there is little pride one can show for gaining so little.

I look around me an see people younger than Me with far more in their lives. Homes, wonderful jobs, wives, children and it leaves me wondering where I fucked up. Why dont I have a fraction of what they do? Who should I blame? WHat should I blame? Myself? Well Ive been doing that for years....but is i the real reason? Or is it because of circumstances I was forced to sit by and watch the riches of life run past Me.

No one can tell Me I live a normal life. Many of My activities, are typical of just trying to get by. But the things which make Me who I am are far from typical. Thinking back to those eHarmony motherfuckers and the fool proof method of match making. Yeah right. No, not me.....sorry you dont match our criteria either. Hmmm...

I didnt match criteria because I havent attained the things I see others having, or because Im severely fucked up inside? Its been said life isnt a spectator sport. Ive played, and been hurt in playing the game. So I have experience. I didnt ride the bench all My life. But it still makes Me bitter that I was chosen last string, as I always was chosen last in gym all those years. Sometimes I wasnt chosen at all.

All those lawsuits we see on TV, kids now adults sueing their teachers for fucking up their lives?

Mr. Egolf was a cruel man. I think I had the honor of being his least favorite student. I didnt do homework, I didnt participate in class. And when he punished Me to write "I will do something yadda yadda yadda" 1000 times I never finished. He made sure I was the class nobody. I was the example he ALWYS used to get his point across. "this is what happens when you dont pay attention" as the next new embarassment took place. We will fast forward to the day before summer vacation. Reportcards were being handed out. Mine was held up in front of the class, not passed to me like everyone elses. I was brought to the front of the room, made to reach for it....and it was publicly stated I wouldnt be joining the rest of My class for graduation. Then he sprayed the back of My head with a water bottle, and sais those fateful little words

"cool off (my last name)dont wory, you get to do this all over again, and dont try so hard"

I wont mention all the other times he made me feel less than human. Less of a person. An eight year old nothing. This was also the time My family became poor, and I became homeless. He didnt bother to consider I had other things on My mind.